I'm sorry baby, but I need more

“Love is as delicate as glass; once broken it can be fixed, but there will always be cracks” they say.

It has been so months now that I have been trying to fix all those cracks and make them stick perfectly together so there aren’t any sharp pieces sticking out to make me, or us, feel pain.

But as I was trying to keep one side of the glass perfectly aligned, the other one continued to break and, baby, I’m sorry but I cannot handle it anymore. My concentration unconsciously went to how to fix this fucking glass and I totally distracted myself from that part that was about us.

I cannot say if I feel hurt or lost -or something in between- I cannot give you any particular reason, nor can I say to you that my love for you suddenly stopped flowing in my veins because I would be lying to you – and you know I hate lies.

I can only confess that I am tired of not feeling something strong. I’m tired because I got used to waking up every morning and having no need to call you to hear your good morning to make my day; I’m distressed when you talk to me about your day and I try to care about what you’re saying to me. I get mad at myself when I have to choose if I want to see you or my friends and my heart automatically chooses my friends. I really do feel sad when I realize that we gave up so early and every effort of yours doesn’t touch me anymore.

If only your efforts were made before we came to this point! Everything would have been different, baby. I just feel that you became an another version of you now because you realized our situation; but why didn’t we deserve it before? Why?

I don’t mean to hurt you; I know you love me and I can assure you that I love you too. But what I really miss and what I really need is to feel something strong again. Something that will bewitch my mind, set my body on flames and give me butterflies again. I need to ressurect all these emotions and feelings I have inside. I’m tired of having them all and, even so, feeling indifference more strongly than anything else. I always was all or nothing and the fact we stayed together for so long is because I really loved you.

But I want them all now; I cannot pressure myself to compromise for something in between anymore. Because our moderate became nothing.

I don’t know if it was our fights, your misunderstandings of what I needed. I don’t know if it was me or the facts we lived together. I don’t know if it was just the combination of it all. All this time I only was hoping on something extreme that never came and I don’t think it will ever come anymore. We had a lot of chances and we didn’t take advantage of them at all.

We have a great time together; I love your smile and your company, I adore it when we go out with a group of friends but when it comes to us, on our own, something’s missing. I’m tired of not having a motivation to do something more neither do I want to waste my energy on pointless bullshit anymore.

All the tears, the sadness, the complaints; I have become numb now. I don’t blame you, this is how you are and how I am. I don’t hate you; all I feel is only apathy and dissapointment.

I always was the sensitive one; I always was afraid of you leaving me and look where we are now. But you know, maybe it is better. You made me find the strength to do what you couldn’t.

Who knows? One day you might even see that you will be grateful that I left. And you will remember all my complaints and all the feelings you now make fun of.

But baby, we cannot only rely on love; we are not that couple who has been married for 40 years and has lived everything and now love keeps them together. Because, in order for them to arrive there, they overcame multiple obstacles. They once had passion – a lot of passion- and they were crazy about each other.

I need someone to be crazy about me like that and make me feel the same about him; I need intensity, endless intensity and whatever it takes. I want romance, understanding, passion and lust. I am desperate to give them all to the one who will make me stop resisting. Because when you stop resisting is when you start living. And all I want is start living again.

I love you but I also love me. And I’m leaving because this is the right for us both. Because for once I’m thinking of our personal happiness and health instead of love. And if it is difficult for you to believe it now, there will come a day you will thank me.

To love is to live and to live is to love; we got lost somewhere in between baby. You will someday find the one to make you feel alive again. It’s just that that’s no longer me.