Written by Paul.
This story is a warning. It’s too late for me now, but if I can shake one of you, if it helps only one person to see the fault in their ways, then at least my confessing it to the world will not have been in vain. It’s too late for me because I let the best thing I could have ever found slip out of my grasp. Wait, no, that’s not right. I did not let her slip from my grasp; I took her, and her unconditional love for me, and I propelled it as far out of the ballpark as I possibly could.
And all for what? I don’t even know anymore.
So listen carefully, and please, try to correct your wrongs before it is too late for you. I only wish that I could turn back time. Don’t let my regrets become yours. Don’t let this be you one day.
I watched her as she passed. Our eyes met as she walked down the street in front of where I sat, not 5 feet away, and I saw the carefree smile fade from her face just before she put her head down and looked away. There was no reason for her to bow her head. It was me that should have.
“Honey? So?” I heard a voice next to me and I turned to look. It was my fiance, smiling and waiting for me to give her an answer to a question I didn’t even hear.
“What?” My voice barely came out as a whisper and I cleared my throat to ask again.
She shook her head, smiling, and ordered for me, not waiting for a response. She was oblivious to the thoughts bombarding my mind; the images, the sounds, and the feelings, deep down in me, the ones that raised goosebumps all over my body.
I could take this story from the beginning. I could sit here and tell you how we met and how it came for us to get together, how our relationship started, and how it progressed. None of it matters, though.
To be completely honest, I don’t remember the half of it, much as I want to. I never paid enough attention to much of it. It was all inconsequential to me then, the only thing that really mattered to me was myself, my own satisfaction, my own desires, and needs. That’s the first and foremost regret that I have. There are times that I wish I could remember things the way I know that she remembers them; every tiny detail. Because I miss it all so much now that I would give up anything to be able to go back to those memories now, to be lost back in that time; with her.
The only thing that matters is that she loved me, more than any person can ever be loved, more than I ever had been loved before, or ever again, more than I deserved; then or even now. And instead of holding her near me, keeping her close and never letting her go, I did anything and everything humanly possible to drive her away from me. And you know what? She loved me so much that she didn’t go, even then.
I love her now. I loved her even then, I just didn’t want to admit it. And now it’s too late to tell her.
A friend of a friend of a friend introduced us. It was during my wild times, the years that I spent fucking my life up. Of course, at the time, I didn’t realize where that road I was speeding down would take me. And even if someone had told me back then, I would have laughed in their face, never believing them for a second. How in the world could I, would I, ever feel the soul withering guilt that was now gripping my heart? No, I never thought I could feel guilty about anything; and I never did, up until now.
I never considered her an idiot; she was one of the most intelligent women I had ever met. I didn’t think she was naïve or innocent, either. She proved it to me with words and actions at any opportunity. She was a puppy though. She would have followed me to the ends of the earth and back, had I only said the word. She did whatever I told her to do, no questions asked, no ifs, ands or buts.
But I didn’t much give a shit about any of that then.
I’d call her, all hours, and have her to come by my place. I’d screw her any which way I liked that night and then if I was tired I would allow her to pamper me like a king. She listened to all my ridiculous stories, whether they concerned work, my family or even another woman. And I would tell her all these stories to purposely irk her, to piss her off, to test her limits to see just how much she could take before her eyes welled up with tears. And still, she stayed right there. She never left.
I couldn’t understand it and that scared me. Nothing I could think of could justify her loyalty, her utter and complete devotion to me, even when I was the biggest prick on the face of this earth. How could she possibly stay with me after all the things I had told her? How could she be loyal to me after I had told her, point-blank, that I had cheated on her, not once, not twice but a dozen times? For no specific reason other than because I felt like it. Because I could get laid and so I did.
I ghosted her, didn’t return her calls, never responded to any of her messages. And instead of telling me to go fuck off the next time called her, she was at my door an hour later, wearing my favorite outfit, with a smile on her face as if nothing had ever happened.
I asked her about it once. I asked her why she stayed with me despite it all. She shrugged and smiling she said: “Simple. Because I love you. And because I know that you can’t live without me, as much as you like to think that you can.” That too scared me; her certainty. Her confidence that she was the only woman for me. I had never met a woman that didn’t want anything from me. All she asked for was me; as frequently and as much as possible. She wanted her future to be with me and she didn’t care about anything else. It was so hard for me to believe that she didn’t have some secret plan, some ulterior motive. The concept of unconditional love just didn’t fit in my mind.
And so, in all my confusion, my own insecurity, the last time I saw her, I broke it far beyond repair. I banished her from my life in such a way that even if I were to return to her, things will never be the same.
Now… now, I sit here, another woman by my side, and I feel lost. She was right. I can’t live without her. I can’t breathe just thinking about her. My mind is in shambles solely because she walked past me and our eyes met.
And now? It’s too late to tell her.