You don’t look me in the eyes and we don’t laugh at the same jokes anymore. We don’t share the same dreams –or bed– and I don’t know why you no longer smile as much as you used to, like during our first days together. I don’t know how you are or which song you’re listening right to now. I don’t fit in the places you like and you no longer like the places I fit in.
Everything was different once, remember? I would like you to remember. But people change, as you once said, and relationships fade away. Yes, people sometimes change and discovering you from the very beginning would be really hard for me.
“You don’t love me” you indifferently pointed out and turned on the TV. I laughed, remember? I thought it was one more of your tricks; one of those you humorously kept on doing when you wanted me to coddle you.
And some days later, there it was again. “You don’t love me”. But your humorous tone was missing that time round.
Day by day, these 4 words reached my ears as something expected each time; something I needed to hear in order to try more and more for us.
My love is not enough. Even if in my heart – and in my mind – it actually was, the fact that you didn’t feel it made it slowly fade away.
You see, darling, love comes in many different forms; it has many voices and many sounds. Since the day we were born love has been all around us.
Firstly, parental love is the number first type of love that surrounds us. Later on, in our first years in kindergarten and school the love of our friends takes root and, some years later, a romantic relationship comes to change everything we knew about love until then.
And I’m almost sure you’re wondering if I’ve gone crazy and why the hell I’m telling you all these things, right?
Don’t worry, I am okay. In fact, I can assure you that I’m better than ever.
It’s just that, you know, I got tired of hearing about love; everyone around us is talking about it as it is something actually noteworthy. Suddenly, we all became experts on what true love is, on how each lover in every couple should treat each other, which actions should express real love -and which shouldn’t or simply don’t- and how an ideal partner must be.
After years of receiving and giving love I don’t doubt at all, we all could be experts. Different experiences, mistakes and faults, happiness and sadness; all these feelings should be our wisest teacher.
But, you see, when talking about it, we forget something – each kind of love is really different. We cannot love our parents in the same way we love our our friends, and certainly not the same way we love our partners, right? And of course, our partner cannot love us in the same way our parents or our friends love us.
And somewhere in between all these kinds of love we got lost, baby. It’s impossible to compare our relationship with others. Love is not a comparative tool; what others give or take is clearly their own businesses.
I know; I have also been searching for, in others, what we lacked, and that has been my biggest mistake; others don’t really know how we feel; nor what we need. They don’t know which parts of your body to be touch, they don’t know which song makes your day nor can they understand when you feel okay after hours of keeping you tight in their arms.
I loved you, I really did. I still do and I always will but I couldn’t understand what else you needed in order to feel it. Maybe I didn’t learn how to love but I tried really hard for you. All I wanted was for you to be happy in order for me to be happy as well. It was the only way I knew how to love.
You know, it’s really easy to feel that you are not loved enough. One action you didn’t like, one favor or promise that didn’t come into practice and comparing with other couples after all.
And you know what I realized?
That’s why relationships have become so complicated. That’s why we cannot easily communicate. That’s one reason we only love in terms and we are afraid to risk something for the ones we love. That’s why we often choose the wrong person. That’s why we run after obligations and we leave our desires behind.
The ‘perfect’, ideal love is out there in the form of an illusion. We all have dreamt of our ideal love because we are constantly searching for it in others. It’s not that people change; it is that people compare themselves to others in their bad moments so, ultimately, they feel worse.
Maye that was our mistake. I –want to– believe that this was our mistake because I cannot find something else.
And if you’re still wondering how the beginning is connected with my end, let it be. Maybe it’s connected in that little line, when you want to say something important and then you re-think it:
“maybe next time”.