I know what this feels like — I’ve seen you going through it all for some time now. And each time you come and talk to me, I -at least- try to give the slightest amount of strength or courage to keep going. I don’t know if that works, or if sometimes is enough but hey, you’ve got to do what you have to do.
We have our little talk every morning and every night (or dawn) before you go to sleep. There is one thing I have to tell you; I’m proud of you. Not for your strength, I know you have loads of it, you gained it along the long way of yours growing up. Not for your courage, you seem not to give up even in the darkest days. I’m proud of you not being transformed into a great monster. You know what I’m talking about. The ones that got deeply hurt, and then started spreading misery everywhere they go? Yeah, you’re not like that all- I know, I know, you can’t be like that, you can’t do it. Because how this feels like, and you wouldn’t wish this transformation and misery on anyone. For this, yes, I’m deeply proud of you.
Now, one thing. I know you’re always trying to see through you, your behavior and your mistakes. I know you’re trying to be the best version of yourself each and every day. And it is a good thing to be aware of our mistakes, and above all doing the best we can to fix them. But, please… please, I beg of you; you have to know that some things are not your fault. And you can’t carry that guilt around for the things that are completely not your fault. We’ve said it many times, we can only control our own behavior. But in the end, as long as we stay humble, graceful and kind we still get to see all the beauty that is left in the world and in the people. Don’t take it so personally- observe things clearly, and learn to take the blame for the things that are honestly your fault. I repeat: you can’t be blamed for everything.
I know that this needs some time to de adjusted and get fixed. I can’t offer you magic solutions or buttons to press so that the problem will suddenly vanish itself once and for all. But I’m telling you this: once this gets better day by day, you’ll find yourself more empowered than ever. I even feel it now, that you know exactly what I imply. You are who you are. Once you put yourself again on the ground, you won’t have any excuses or justifications for simply being yourself in all your glory. And you already have that, just not yet in the level it should be. I trust you- you’ll get there. Your little toes are now touching the surface; feel free to fall inside. This is where all the magic begins.
Breathe. You’re doing just fine. I know that sometimes it gets to be too much, and completely unbearable but… you’re handling it with grace. Keep that blue notebook of yours close, okay? If you need to talk, it’s always there for you. If you want to scream though, know that I’m here too, anytime. We might lose it together for a few seconds, minutes, or hours; but we’ll get back up. We always do. And if the next day, you need to lose it again and shout, I’ll be here again. You know. We’ll do it as many times as we have to, till you’re full again with hope and tranquility.
See you in the morning.