We create our own demons.

We allow them to exist besides us, sleep under our beds, fill our minds with what we leave unspoken, tackle us with what we cannot bear to hear. We allow them to take us to work to let eight our pass by in a suit –underneath which there is something nobody knows, or cares, is pounding– and feed us with the desire to flee in fine weather. We let them attach us to moments, although they go by so quickly, and kill our time when it is them that should have been killed in the first place.

This free entrance in our lives is achieved unconsiously — unwillingly most of the time. But there are times that it happens in full realization. Times when we have a clear picture of what governs us and we leave it glut our existence its own way. We simply sit back comfortably, drink to that and watch. These are the moments that we can only handle ourselves by abandonding them. By letting things roll and life passes by and do nothing. Sometimes we turn off the lights and just enjoy the silence of doing nothing — after having done anything to avoid it. We let it prevail, we even force it. In a way, we do not bother to analyze it; not even just to see its depth. How much more there is down there. For there is a reason we fell — we are supposed to find something in the far end.

While watching, we linger upon stories of tropical storms during summer that tore down our sandcastles. We write wishes onto papers and fold them into boats, only to watch them float across the street. We try to remember what we wished for only to realize that this one and only love was a lie. This wish was a lie. That is why perhaps it seemed like the biggest one.

However, it existed long before us. So, we share our flawed resolution with the silence while we are still watching our own story on display. It is hard to shake the incessant craving, and stop wanting this loving feeling, even if you know you will waste years seeking it in places that will eventually sink. To be fair, we wonder how many people before us have used the lotus as a metaphor for the love we seek outward, yet we never nourish the one in us. Demons are now throwing a party in front of you. Their main goal takes shape gradually. Which has always been the truth. Truth is like poetry. Nobody really likes it for what it is; they just love the idea of it. Or the sound of the word as it resonates firmly and steadily from mouth to mouth.

This poetic background makes you the moon and the love you crave for the ocean, and the freckles down your spine the golden ram in the sky sent to rescue you. We think it’s easy to get lost in the harmony of letting go and giving up, but deep down we only wish to be saved. We want to dream with a light heart and pray with our eyes open that these wishes, written on crafted paper boats, and dipped in make-believe, will come true and our other half will be the current that pulls us in and we are far out and close to drowning.

And if this other half is our waves, our water, we do not hurt more by the salt in our wounds and we have found our own well in the desert. We want to be the dream ourselves because if we are the dream then there is no need for sleep. No need to close our eyes and surrender. Demons have put on some loud music and dance now as the have made it to the final countdown of reaching the purpose of their existence. Not only do they show us the truth, they also establish it, and dance around it drunk on the impact has.

They come closer and focus on our eyes. We feel their warmth pressed gently against our cheeks as they whisper “Now you know”. Instictively we want to get up punch them in the face and kick them out of our territory, but we don’t. We could not; even if we intended to. “Now you know” is repeating itself as you start laughing at the disorder and enjoy the sudden appearance of this epiphany. We know the demons are right. We know that the best, true, ever-lasting, loving relationship starts with loving ourselves.

Even if we have not managed to accomplish it in its full potential yet, demons can be really helpful to guide us in the right direction towards it. They know us better than anyone. They love us no matter what. After all, we let them live and breathe inside us. We need them as much as we need ourselves. For, they are our most true reflection and any love that can put up with them, can stick with us too.

Any love that comes with the same darkness and light cannot wait to meet our own. Not the one in love with the idea of love. The one that will take the loving notion to the very flesh and bone of our darkest, scariest version. The one that will love us, and our demons, when we can’t even love ourselves. Where we fail to love us and do it only after we have picked up our pieces.

So, despite our efforts to banish them, to yell at them, to extinguish them, we end up protecting them, nourishing them, and watching them grow.

Now we know, if we kill the demons, the angels die too.

Author: Pepi Naki

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