The monster that lives inside me

“What is it that you want this time? I thought I told you to leave me the fuck alone.”

I shout at her with this dominating tone of voice. I am so pissed at her, I never want to see her again. She is so stubborn though, I don’t think she will ever abandon me. Privacy is an unknown word to her vocabulary, you see. And the more I nag her to get the hell out of my life, the longer she stays each time. The last time I sincerely believed her when she promised that this would be the last I would see her, after that long fight we had.

Yet here she is again tonight, sitting opposite me; staring at me with a satisfied look while she witnesses my pain. And to think that an hour ago, I was blissfully laughing with my friends at the bar. It’s all their fault you know, initiating conversation about the one subject that hits one of my greatest insecurities — my failed love life. And I, a total fool, did not fight back. I did not pursue the courage to tell them to stop. I just let them hit me with implications of how I shall grow old all alone if I continue being the way I am – picky and different they say.

This grin on her face while tears flow down my cheeks makes me want to scratch her that damn smile off her face with solely my fingernails. I want her to experience the excruciating kind of pain I have every time she pays me a visit. Her words own the power of puzzling my mind, they demolish my ego, my positive thinking flying away in a minute.  Frankly, I try hard to resist and not allow her to affect me; it’s been years now, after all.

What kind of a friend is she if she doesn’t care for my own state of serenity, really?

Many kids have imaginary friends, friends that follow them around with whom they have all this fun when they are together. They play together, they ask for advice from one another and sometimes, just sometimes, these imaginary friends can turn out to be even more loyal than real people do. As odd as it may sound, I wasn’t one of those kids. My best friend was and still is a monster, the one that stares at me now and laughs down at me for being such an insecure human being.

And as we exchange gazes with her, my memory traces back in time; when I used to be afraid of this ridiculously stupid thing. There were nights when I was so scared of having my leg hanging off the side of the bed, just in case a monster creeps out from under my bed and grabs it. If only I knew that the monster that I was afraid of being eaten by was just a figment of my imagination; if only I knew that this monster that has got me in trouble every now and then is none but my own insecurities. I look at her in the mirror – there she is; my reflection. My sole enemy is my own damn self. And tonight after this long hour shift at work, she rose again from that hidden corner from the back of my mind where I buried her.

“Everything is going to be alright.” I whisper while wiping away my hot tears. “Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon enough it will be.” I reassure her and place my head on my pillow, making an attempt to sleep. How many sheep will it be till I eventually doze off — no one can really tell. All I know for certain, it’s high time I faced my own damned insecurities. I just have to find the strength and shove them out of me, before it’s too late. Inhaling deep, I’ve made a decision I should have made ages ago.

What kind of a writer am I then, if I cannot erase this dark character from my own life script? I’ll do it and I shall do it tonight. I take a good look at her, examining her intensely. And then I begin talking, lots of talking in an authoritative speech.

“It’s okay to be the way you are. It’s more than fine to look the way that you do. Stop paying so much attention to what others tell you. Stop obsessing with the idea of how bad it is to be alone. You are in a much better place than you think you are. Just breathe.” I exclaim by the corner of my bed and suddenly the monster opposite me disappears.

I knew that she was going to return back one day, but till the next time I promised I would grow stronger.

You know, people must be the most fragile creatures on this planet. The walls that every one fronts are pretend ones. We only build these walls to attract attention; for what is easy is unwanted. And for that, some may call you a difficult one but who fucking cares what they say? If someone is genuinely interested in you, not only will they show the patience to wait for you to be ready for them, but they will invest their time in order to figure you out.

Like a jigsaw puzzle, piece by piece he will gradually put all the parts together to accomplish his target; to conquer you and only you. Even that includes a monster of insecurities sitting inside you. The right one not only will he embrace these phobias but he will turn them into your power. You are not alone in this – remember that.