Look me in the eye and tell me you don't want me

You know, I’m in awe with myself of how much of a masochist I must be for writing this letter, still troubling my mind with thoughts of you.

Almost a year has passed since I had a proper night’s sleep and six months since that night – The night I found the courage to tell you I love you to your face. I guess I have been rewarded gloriously for my spontaneous action with you simply stating that I’m not of your taste.

I clearly remember you saying that you have never thought of us being together as a couple. I didn’t believe you – I still don’t.  For your eyes betray you every time. My eyes must be awfully ugly, or you wouldn’t avoid looking into them every time I stare at you. I’m neither ashamed nor afraid to look into your eyes, for I have nothing to hide. My truth has been out for quite some time now.

Let me tell you, something babe. Only liars and cowards avoid eye contact. Unfortunately, you are both. Remember when I told you that a few months after? You must have been in great shock when those words came out of my mouth. Well, that’s me – crazy as fuck, spontaneous and, most of all, honest. I have been nothing but honest to you.

I have always been on your team, yet you failed to notice. I took care of you in ways that you could not possibly imagine, always aiming to create the very best situations for you to walk into. I wanted my “prince” to only come across the best of the best. Nevertheless, you have always been too busy hanging out with your ‘cool friends’, leaving me there hanging all by myself. It’s fine by me, I don’t blame you. Friendship is way more important than love. At least, we get to agree on something.

Despite it all, I am still here loving you and missing you every day; all day. You may think that I’m lying but I’m not. I have gone missing for the last couple of months – it’s true. I tend to avoid going to any places we used to meet “by accident” during the good old days.

It’s not that I don’t want to see you. Actually, I’m dying to see you and look into your eyes one more time, penetrating your soul and making you feel uncomfortable because I know the truth. Lately, I have been dreaming of you. That’s odd because dreams are produced by our inner thoughts.  And the truth is I have forbidden myself to think of you. I have replaced the thought of you with the thought of other guys that I randomly went out with. Yes, I went out with other guys, and frankly, it was an utter waste of time.

From what it seems, it’s not my mind that’s missing you but my soul. Before going to sleep every night, and secretly thank God for my family, my friends, and my health. But I pray for you as well. I pray that you are well and that you find a girl of your taste. I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you wanted and I’m sorry that I couldn’t love you in the way you wanted to be loved. But that’s just me.

When I love, I love hard. Apparently, you have never encountered this kind of love before, having a woman loving you this passionately and offering you her time and attention unconditionally. My bad, excuse me for being so giving and so expressive when it comes to my feelings. You are my first love. Of course, you knew that you have always known that, ever since we were teenagers.

Please try to understand me though. It’s time I moved on. Like a golden trophy, I placed you on the highest shelf so everyone can see you, and so that it would never cross their minds of daring to go up against you. No man will replace you; I guarantee that. Over a decade has passed since the first time we met and here I am writing about you. Over a decade and I still talk about you, think about you and care about you. If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is.

Losing you for the second time may have been the hardest thing I ever had to deal with but it has also made me fiercer than I have ever been in my life. It has introduced me to an unknown side of myself – a more creative one. It all began a night when I terribly missed you. I wanted to text you so bad but instead, I wrote down my feelings.

Ever since that night, I found myself writing all the time, and honestly I quite enjoy it. You brought back a hobby that I had given up for years. Now I’m a step closer to who I want to be, a step closer to finally meeting the future me; my ideal self. And I really want to thank you for that.

My only request is that you take care of yourself cause I can’t imagine my reaction if anything happens to you. I wish I could be the one taking care of you but as you said to me we’re nothing but two childhood friends who had a brief reunion. I want to say sorry for not believing you but I know you too damn well not to believe all that shit.

Love you always,

The girl that wasn’t your taste x