By Natalie.
Maybe we are stars in an infinite universe and once in a million years, our routes cross that of another star.
For the briefest of moments, we shine even brighter and then we disappear once more into the night.
Light turns into darkness and darkness into light in an infinite circle of life and death, of love and lust, of you and me.
As I am still dreaming of shiny stars that curve routes around my galaxies, slowly I become aware of my surroundings and my eyes open. I sense your body next to mine, as you shift sides on the bed. Your face is close to mine. You open up your eyes and I can see all those things we both choose to leave unsaid.
These moments that time seems to stand still, this infinite silence around us and all these unspoken words mark our brief encounters, every single time. And it is exactly these moments that I treasure the most with you.
Many times, I have wondered how our life would be if we both could choose to spend it together. How many nights would I fall asleep in your arms? How many mornings would I beg for you to stay a little longer? What would be our favorite destination to spend our holidays? What would we be fighting over to order, noodles or pizza? What would our quarrels look like?
I let my mind drift to alternate futures, where your love is mine.
So many tomorrows, so many choices, so much potential, and yet we both shut our eyes to the possibilities. We both prefer not to learn what we could become. It is only enough to stay like this, naked in this bed for a few more hours. Lost in this parallel universe of ours, shutting everyone and everything outside, diving deeper in this ocean of lust.
Just to linger between the shadows and then come back for more.
And you’re always coming back for more, every time leaving a tiny bit of yourself in my hands, but never really promising anything more than what we initially agreed. Never crossing the line. Never revealing more than just a few crumbs, or so you think.
No strings attached and I played along. I never really cared about the rules. I just love the game. I threw myself passionately into this little show of ours that we are so fond of putting together every time we meet.
Please don’t get me wrong. I like it a lot. I like you a lot. It’s just that I got a little bored because we’ll never be more than this. We’re two actors rehearsing their play. And, we played it so many times that I finally learned the words by heart. Every movement happens almost in a mechanical way, in perfect coordination.
Now, I know how to read between the lines. And the funny thing is that I look into your eyes and I can tell that you can do the same thing, as well.
I must recalculate things. I must re-estimate the situation. Something must have gone wrong. What though? Perhaps I said too much or I’ve left too many things unsaid. Perhaps it was something that I’ve done or it was nothing at all. I let myself get carried away in this incidence. I had everything under control, always. Didn’t I?
Look at me, now, struggling to handle a situation that led us up to this.
I want to reach out and take your hand, guide you through this labyrinth because I can tell that it is all bullshit. You are scared as hell and so am I. We’re both too afraid to speak, too afraid to take risks.
Thoughts that no words can solemnly express. Words left unsent in messages, saved in drafts. Lingering between what would happen if you do and not daring to learn. Rehearsing in my mind, all those things that I am burning desperately to tell you, all those places I want to visit with you and make new memories.
I am left somewhere in-between the lines, lost in my own thoughts, stuck between what I hope and what I dread. Afraid to lose something that was never mine.
Touching your fingers softly, I get up. Enough said with the eyes. If I remain like this, I might get drowned in these dark eyes of yours. Just blink and I’ll have understood that you agree to follow me in this madness.
Sometimes all it takes is some courage to get your head above the surface of the sea. And then you just swim until the shore. Will you swim along?
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