I’m drawn to you in a way I’ve never been before. That sounds cheesy, I know. It’s not just a line, though. I’m proud of the fact that I don’t give in to overused romantic notions like so many people I know.

Romantic ideals are developed to keep us from focusing on real issues. You know, the ones that actually matter. They’re things we think we should believe in because we see them in movies, read about them in books, watch them on TV. We grow up hearing we’re supposed to find that one person we want to spend our lives with —our soul mate—but we all know that’s bullshit.

When I say I’m not a romantic, I mean it. It’s not me trying to pretend I don’t believe it or protect myself in some strange way. I think that whole idea is limiting, detrimental, and traditional.

That’s why I’m so fucking confused with the way you make me feel. I don’t believe in soul mates, yet somehow, it feels like you and I are supposed to be together.

I don’t know what to do with that.

It goes against everything I know about myself. Everything I take pride in. Everything I believe. I’m not stuck in this heteronormative lifestyle. The typical family life doesn’t appeal to me, so what am I supposed to do about my feelings for you?

I thought if I ignored them for long enough they’d simply go away. They did work for a while, but just like any other repressed emotion, they came back a few months later, stronger than ever.

I got a crush on someone else and then got over that pretty quickly. Somehow, my feelings for you still lingered.

This isn’t like me — at all. As someone who doesn’t believe in traditionally romantic ideals, how can I make sense of the way I feel drawn to you? What is it about you that makes me feel like we’re destined to be together?

I don’t believe in that shit. Let me repeat that, just to be clear. I don’t believe in destiny. I don’t believe in karma. I don’t believe in soul mates.

Usually, I can’t even begin to imagine spending more than a few months with someone, but now I find myself wondering about our future. Will you invite me to that trip with your family? Can I get you to come over for the holidays?

Who am I? This isn’t how I process feelings or how I deal with relationships. I feel like I’m going against everything I stand for. But, truth be told, that’s not even the scary part. What actually terrifies me is that I’m not horrified by the way in which I’m drawn to you. I’m excited. I hope I’m not betraying my beliefs and all that I stand for when I say: It really feels like we’re meant to be together. You and I. It may not last forever, but I don’t really care. I just know I want to be with you.

My happiness doesn’t depend on us being together, but it sure feels nice when you smile at me. Even a shitty day picks up at that point. You’ve shown an interest in me few others do. I don’t mean that in a pessimistic or depressed way. It’s just that people are self-absorbed and only really care about themselves.

But not you.

You show an interest. You genuinely care, and I think that’s why we feel so complete together. We both actually care about each other. So maybe I’m not being a sellout. Maybe I’m just being open to a new experience. It’s hypocritical of me to try ignoring my feelings because I think I should feel a certain way, right? The heart of my beliefs is just to try accepting what feels right, without giving in to social pressures, so I shouldn’t try changing the way I feel.

Or maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better.

Author: Dani Howell

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