dani150916

The last few weeks have been hard.

Not only have I missed you, but I’ve been struggling to make sense of my feelings since you left. I know I should just want you to be happy, but why can’t you be happy with me?

I want to be the bigger person. I feel like my love for you should be so overpowering that I only want what’s best for you. But I just can’t make myself feel that. Now I’m stuck pissed at you and angry with myself for feeling like that.

It’s not that I want you to be miserable. I want you to be happy; I swear I do. It’s just that I want you to be happy with me.

The thought of you with someone else—smiling, laughing, fucking—it makes it really hard to simply get through the day without feeling an underlying frustration and resentment.

I’m not sure if I’m angry at you or just myself for not being enough. I’ve never considered myself a petty person before this. You’ve turned me into someone I don’t want to be. Someone I’m not.

I almost wish you’d done something to really piss me off. If I hated you this would be easier. It took me a long time to open myself up and trust you. Now I’m left here in the cold: hating myself and loving you.

I never wanted to be this person.

I’m not the girl who sits at home pining over someone. I’m young. I should be out having fun, meeting people, enjoying life, enjoying the city. Instead, I’m stuck inside wishing I was with you.

I know you used to care about me, so what happened? I know things weren’t going perfectly, but I didn’t realize they’d gotten so bad. Bad enough that you didn’t see a way to fix it.

Do you still care about me at all?

This amalgamation of feelings is really confusing. Frustration. Sadness. Depression. Spite. I’ve never felt so much for a person, and now it feels like you never gave a shit about me. I know all the words you said weren’t lies, but I’m having trouble believing anything you said.

Desperation.

That seems to be the word that best sums up what I’m feeling. I’m replaying everything in my mind. What happened? Why is loving you so hard? Is that even what this was?

I keep telling myself that if I loved you as much as I think I did then I should be okay with whatever happens, so long as your happy. That’s what real love is, isn’t it? You care about the other person more than yourself. Why don’t I feel like that?

What did I do to ruin it? Is there anything I can do to fix it?

I dread passing you on the street. What if you’ve already moved on? That’s why I haven’t gone to our favorite coffee shop. Or bar. Or restaurant. I’ve been taking a different way to work to avoid you. The thought of you being happy without me hurts.

I’m not sure how to make sense of not wanting the best for someone I love. It makes me hate myself a little bit. I’m not sure if I should wish to be back with you or to be happy without you. The logical part of me knows I should try to be happy without you. The feeling in my gut says we’d be better back together.

Why is this so hard? This is why I didn’t want to fall in love with you in the first place. I’m overwhelmed by all of these conflicting thoughts and feelings.

Maybe it would just be easier to not feel anything at all. I wish I could go back to that.

Now I’m stuck hoping you’re as miserable as I am.

Author: Dani Howell

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