I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you this face-to-face. I wanted to but, for whatever reason, I couldn’t. I hope you don’t take that as a reflection on how much I care. It’s really not, I swear.
I just thought I’d be able to express what I was feeling a bit more clearly this way. We’ll see if it ever actually makes its way to you. Logistics can be hard. Getting something to you is even harder.
It’s because I lack courage. It’s because I’m not sure you’ll believe me. It’s because things are more permanent when they’re written down. Spoken words can be distorted over time, but I always want you to be able to know and remember that I love you.
I know things can be hard sometimes. Work can wear you down. People can wear you down. Life can wear you down. But I want to be here to lift you up. Life throws a bunch of shit at you. Constantly. But you can trust that I will always be there for you. Together we can power through the bullshit that is life. As they say in our favorite book: “Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.”
I know things have been kind of difficult and challenging between us lately. It’s hard to not look for deeper meanings in sideways glances. In stutters and stops. In extended pauses. We’re both inclined to overanalyze everything. That’s a trait we share, so I hope you’ll believe it when I say I have no ulterior motive hidden beneath the surface. I just want to make sure you know that you are loved.
I haven’t always been there for you like I should have. I know you’ve been through a lot, and there are times when I was a bit too hard on you. I thought it was to help make you stronger, but with time I see it was just that I was the one who was scared. You should always be true to yourself. Don’t ever let anyone stop you. Not even me. Especially not me.
I know it seems easier to give up sometimes. Fighting back can be hard. Fighting for something can be hard. Just continuing to fight every day can be so god damn hard. I realize that now. I wish I could have told you this sooner. I will always look up to you for how bravely you weathered everything that was thrown at you – you didn’t give up. You just kept on fighting. Believe me when I say the trauma doesn’t make you damaged. It makes you even more god damn impressive. Never believe anyone who tells you otherwise.
I’ve needed to tell you all of this for a while. I want you to know how I feel. But every time I try to tell you that I’m here for you and that I love you, well, something just gets in the way. The words catch every single time I try to mutter them. I’m a writer, not a public speaker. I hope these words mean just as much sketched out here as they would coming out of my mouth. I can guarantee they sound way more elegant.
I hope you can tell that each word, sentence, sentiment is crafted to let you know how much you mean to me. I’ll regret for a long time that it took me this long to tell you. That’ll be hard to live with because you deserve everything, and I’ve just been too afraid to do my part and tell you this.
So this is me expressing my feelings. This is me making sure you understand just how much you mean.
This is me telling you that I love you.
I love you.
I. Love. You.