I’m not sure I can put this into words, but I have to get it out of my system. Maybe this letter will liberate me from the past. I know that I will continue to regret not saying what, in my humble opinion, needs to be said, if I don’t at least try.
I loved you.
God, I loved you so much. I fell in love with your kind heart, your warm smile, the way you loved me back. Because I know that for some time you loved me too. I could feel it. My whole world revolved around you. I loved you like I loved no other. I was devoted to you. You had my heart, my soul. You had me.
We had the perfect relationship. Calm, giving, respectful. And then I don’t know what really happened, you started to drift away from me. I believed, and I still do, that you stopped loving me. You didn’t care. You stopped trying. And after our on-off phase, we finally broke up. For good. And a few days later I discovered what I had suspected and you always denied.
You were a liar. You were a cheater. You were a coward.
Do you remember the last New Year’s Eve that we spend together? It was shortly after our final break up and you wanted us to have one last drink. I accepted. Do you remember how extremely cold the night was? And how heavy the rain was falling? It was like three o’clock in the morning and before I got into the taxi to go home, you started crying and begging me to come back to you. I was under my umbrella; you were not. You were getting wet and I didn’t give a damn. I just wanted to leave. But as I stood there, looking at you, bursting into tears, getting soaked from the rain, and shivering from the cold, I secretly took my revenge.
I didn’t love you.
I didn’t hate you.
I felt nothing. Not a thing.
Well..screw you! Yes, you.
How, in the hell, could you do this to me? Wasn’t I enough for you? Was I lacking in anything? Wasn’t I pretty enough? Smart enough? Didn’t I love you enough? Was I too hung up on you? Oh, sorry honey – was I suffocating you? What did I do to deserve this? What?
You didn’t even have the decency, to be honest, and just leave me. But you kept lying and deceiving me in the worst way.
A friend of yours -and I would like to emphasize that it was your friend- came to find me after our break up and asked me “Couldn’t you see what was happening? Were you blind?” I felt exceptionally stupid. Like a moron.
Yes, I was blind all right. From the lies that you were throwing to my face. I was blindfolded. And when I -finally- opened them, I saw what you had done to me. What you had done to us. So many years went up in smoke.
I tried for some time to work with myself and move on. That wasn’t easy. In an unexplained way, I blocked every memory that we had from my mind, burning all the bridges that could lead me back to you. It was difficult to trust my next relationship, which is the only thing I have to thank you for. Because if we were still together I wouldn’t have met this wonderful man.
Sometimes I forgive you.
Sometimes I pity you.
And sometimes the rage builds up and I feel mad all over again. For some time I was a bitter and vengeful person. I’ll be honest, I wanted the worst for you. I mourned our love and buried it deep inside me. I went through all the stages; from being angry with you to being angry with myself. I tried to understand you, I really tried. I tried to excuse you. Sorry, I couldn’t. I still can’t.
I just tell myself that you didn’t love me enough.
And sometimes, I consider that you didn’t love me at all.