I stand in front of the mirror. I see my idol reflects itself. My hair looks tangled. I have got bags under my eyes. My skin looks pale. I look tired. I am tired. Tears are falling from my blurry, red eyes. “Look how much weight you have gained! You look fat… You are ugly… I hate you.” My body has too many flaws, my soul too many wounds.
“Why don’t you love you?” My inner self asks me with sorrow. I am unable to answer that question. “Why don’t you love you?” The same persistent question comes again. “Why do you keep doing this to yourself?”
I’m scolding myself…
“You don’t love you. How can you do that? You are hard too on your own self. You didn’t treat you right. You were too demanding, always expecting more. You were very cruel. You didn’t forgive yourself for anything. You always took the blame. You were -are- too harsh on you. Constantly apologizing to everyone about every little thing, it didn’t matter if it was your fault or not. Filling yourself up with guilt. Swallowing your pride, lowering your head. Saying yes to everyone, in order to please them -every single one of them; except you. You only use the word No, to yourself. No, when you feel too happy, no, when you are in love, no, when you feel too relaxed. You punished you enough. You let people manipulate you and criticize your every move. You let them do that to you. You tried to seem worthy so that everyone would love you. And you forgot one important thing.
You should love yourself first.
You don’t think that loving you is as important as loving everyone else. How can you love someone else if you don’t love yourself at the first place? How can you give your love away if you’re empty in the inside?
I want you to love you.
By starting now. You are beautiful. Accept who you are because there’s no one like you in the entire universe. You are unique. Yes you are. Look at the mirror. Look how beautiful you really are. Comb your hair. Take care of yourself. You are all that you have got in the world and you deserve more. Stop underestimate you. You can laugh and be happy –really you can- and not feel guilty about it. Embrace life, embrace your own self. It doesn’t mean that you’re getting self-focused or selfish by putting you first. It means that you respect yourself. Stop relying on others to validate you all the time. You are not a hollow human being. Fill the gap with love. Love you. Only if you love yourself you can find true happiness and eventually make the others around you happy too.
That’s why you find it difficult to trust people. That’s why you feel lonely. Accept who you really are and allow yourself to take one step at a time. It’s going to be a long but fullfiling journey. But we can do this, together.
Take a day off, you are allowed to do that. Enjoy the rays of sun touching your face. Feel the wind and smell the fresh air. Go and see that movie that you wanted, buy those shoes that you had your eyes on. Be good to you. Pamper yourself.
Forgive yourself… ”
I stand in front of the mirror. I comb my tangled hair. I splash some cold water in my face. I wipe my tears and smile. I make a promise to myself.
I’m not perfect but I’m going to love you; I’m going to love you more.
And that’s a promise.