There is this E.E. Cummings poem that says: “I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, darling)”
And here I am in front of the empty screen not knowing what to write. But my heart knows what to say. This poem includes everything I wish I could say.
I carry your heart with me.
I guess I always did. And it’s a heavy burden. You may not know it, and if you did you might don’t want it.
But this is my burden to bear. It’s the only comfort you left me.
From the first time I saw you. From that first eye contact, your first hello, I knew we had a deep connection. It was like I had known you from a past life. You were so familiar to me. But I knew from the start that our love was condemned. We had no future. We were like that big colorful and noisy fireworks that lit up the night sky for a few seconds and then disappear in the dark night, leaving nothing but ashes in the ground. But they are so beautiful to watch. So was our love. Beautiful.
Anywhere I go now, you go. You are in my heart. Υou exist in my mind, in my soul. You exist in every cell of my body.
I carry your heart with me.
I have shown you so many things. You have seen sunsets, the first snow of the season, heavy rain in summer, the moon and the sea. You have seen me cry, laugh, sleep. Someday I will tell you all about it. All the things you saw with me, from my heart.
It has been so many years.
I don’t know if you deserve that space inside me anymore. I think you never really understood me. And I am really sorry for that. I am really sorry that you will never see what I have in my heart for you. That I will never hug you like I want to.
You once told me that you have got nothing good to remember me by.
I am really sorry for that too. I am sorry I wasn’t enough. I am sorry my love wasn’t enough to keep you. I am so sorry I didn’t do enough to keep you.
I miss you. I miss you so much sometimes it hurts. Will I see you again? I don’t know. Do I want to see you? I wish every single day that we will meet again. I look for your face in the crowd. So many faces look like you. They have your hair, your green eyes and your sweet smile. They remind me of you but my darling they are not you.
It has been too many years. My body doesn’t remember your touch anymore. My mind tries to recall your face. You often come in my dreams and we live happily ever after. In my dreams you hug me like you will never let me go. I don’t want you to let me go. I beg you not to let me go this time.
And then I wake up and I am alone once again, without you, along with my memories.
But the memories just fade away.
“I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart”
I hope someday our hearts will meet again.
And – finally- become one.