Having dreams is almost like having a religion. And lately, you and I identify as atheists. Who can blame us, God doesn’t seem to be present these days after all. But it is rightfully believed that each and every one of us needs to believe in something. Whether that something is an entity from above that holds your life between its fingers, or an illusion induced by your constant struggle to have faith that things will eventually get better.
You know, I always dreamed of getting out of this two-star town. Escaping, creating. Living. And you, my sweet angel baby, absolutely adorable, yet so lost in the city streets, always have faith that you will someday get out of your personal trap. And when we watched Hitchock’s Psycho for the first time, I did wonder if you did deliberately stepped into that trap. And you have convinced yourself that you don’t mind, but let me be your Marion Crane for a moment and tell you that you should. You should mind.
It’s late noon and I am exhausted. The sun has just set and this light breeze enters the window as I play Metric’s Help I’m Alive. And I can almost see the irony floating through the air. And I never thought I would even think of anything like that. Normally on days like this, all I’d want to do is grab your hand and run to the nearest observatory to look at the upcoming starry night. But not tonight- or the next night. We need to settle with this seemingly temporary reality we cope with, but I don’t think we really understand how permanent it actually is.
That’s it. I completely lost my focus. My teacher actually said I might have ADHD, but I know that’s not the case with me. Just a dreamer here, no need to run any tests. I make myself another cup of coffee to keep through the night. I guess that my father calls me a nocturnal animal for a reason. I find a seat made out of old pillows on my balcony, and stare as far as I possibly can. That angelic face of yours comes to my mind, and I finally submerge into my thoughts.
You know, I miss us. I really do. And I don’t mean that I miss your body. I can feel it next to mine at this very moment, even if you’re not here. Your hand always holds onto mine tightly. I miss your soul. The flame in your eyes, and the lava burning inside your stomach. You were not born with a fire inside you for anyone, not even yourself, to come put it out. I love you unconditionally, no matter any sort of circumstance, but I really need you to love yourself.
I think I’m dreaming now. And I’m standing in a dark room all by myself.
“Where are you?” I shout.
And you immediately walk up to me with the most beautiful eyes I so dearly love. Your double iris looks extraterrestrial in the moonlight.
“I’m not there.” You hesitantly whisper.
“Follow me!” I beg of you as I reach for your hand.
You grab me and we start running. For the first time in forever, I feel as if a weight is truly being lifted off my shoulders. We run faster and faster, almost as if something’s chasing us, so we run and run until we completely lose sight of it. But thing is, that the darkness is not yet gone. We’re still trapped in this black hole.
Maybe that’s what we need to escape from. The darkness. And most importantly, the fear that it will last forever.
“Where are we going?” You finally raise your voice, out of breath, and ask.
“I don’t know. I really don’t!” I reply, with a huge smile lighting my face up because even if I don’t know where we’re headed at, I know it’s the right way. It has to be, goddammit!
That’s when I catch a glimpse of the first ray of light I’ve seen in a very, very long time. I know that you see it too, so we are now basically running at the speed of light. It gets lighter and lighter, and the dark maze slowly fades away behind us, but we do not stop running. We’re almost blinded now, and I’m still holding your hand tightly through it all, and we exchange this familiar look, knowing that either of us has any intention of stopping. So we run until the only thing I can see anymore is your sparkling double iris. Nothing’s going to hurt us now. Nothing will take you from my side. You see, we have our dreams, after such a long time. And I have rested my dreams under your feet, trusting you to guide them in your orbit. The maze have might come back, but so have we. We’re back; together and stronger than ever. Shining brighter than ever, lighting our way through the darkness. Our souls as one are like a blazing fire. Thus, whatever souls are made of, yours and mine are made from the same material.
We are headed to a great unknown. But at least we’ll arrive together.
I snap out of my dream sequence and call you. I feel like a small child the moment I hear the tone of your voice, and to my great surprise, you sound… lost. But for the first time in a while, I sense that it’s the good kind of lost. The kind that I could so easily myself get lost in.
I take one last look at the sky before I go back in- It’s gotten a bit chilly. And I have my very last free thought for the day:
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. And to be honest, I’ve reached the point where I don’t even care anymore. I am here right now, and you’re a five-minute walk away too. I love how you can always read my mind, even if I snap at you when it feels overwhelming. So come on, let’s take a dive in each others’ heads.
A dive in the deep, terrifyingly beautiful, unknown.