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Alright, fellas, please draw a deep breath and repeat after me; “I want to feel you, I need your teeth marks on my shoulders, your breath on my ear and your moans echoing in the room while we fuck”. It wasn’t that hard, now, was it? Anyone can do it. And that was a pretty much “censored” example of the things you can whisper to your lover – a simple example of the famous and very deeply misunderstood concept of “dirty talk”.

So, if you’re interested, I’m here to walk you through it. And if you are not interested, I would also like to enlighten those of you who find it meaningless and redundant, about how much more sweat it would add to your sex life.

Yes, I do realize that talking seems dull and completely unrelated to sex; what good are words when bodies are heating up and desires crave to be satisfied, right? Plain wrong, my friends, for we, humans, are more than just a body. We’re spiritual beings, driven by our minds. And, whether you admit it or not, you do know that mental stimuli are the a-z to unforgettable orgasms.

And what better way to stimulate your partner’s mind than find new ways to use your mouth, other than licking and biting? When you’re at a dull social gathering, for example, where you can draw a mental picture of your head resting upon their thighs and your tongue playing with their agony – and all you need is words to make their head explode. What better way to bring their body in the brink of sexual tension without even touching them at the moment?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not undermining the importance of physical stimulation. I’m merely saying that its combination with a mental one can be… well, something to do with a volcano erupting. Are you familiar with the term “brainfuck”? That’s a part of it (the rest will be discussed in upcoming articles). Finally, before I go on to some basics I would like to share with you, let me debunk two common myths about dirty talking.

Myth 1: It mostly works for women, not men.

Based on personal experience and on talks with my male friends, that is a huge-ass myth. If you do it right, it can affect both genders in a stunning way and cause erections all over the place. Yes, it’s true that men are more optical creatures than women – but I’ve yet to find a guy that will resist a “tonight you’re gonna have to ride me really hard, ’cause I’m soaking wet since I left our bed in the morning” line.

Myth 2: Too much talking can ruin the overall mood.

Now that is a myth too, because, firstly, too much of almost anything can ruin sexual desire and, secondly, what exactly is too much when it comes to two lovers? Whatever makes a man hard and his woman dripping is good enough. Find your own limits.

Now, as to the how’s and when’s of the thing, here are some basic guidelines for you.

First of all, if you don’t know your partner (e.g. if you met them two hours ago), try to stick to some generic lines like the one I started this piece with. You don’t know their fantasies, so you wouldn’t wanna risk driving them off with a nice kinky whip ‘n’ chains line  – they may be all vanilla and then your fun is gone. However, if you’re together for quite some time and you’re familiar with their tastes, use them to your favor to spur their thoughts on a lustful direction.

Secondly, don’t worry about the right choice of words, the perfect pitch of your voice, and other mundane details. Like everything about sex, spontaneity and passion will do their thing. A minor flaw in your seducing act will be quite nicely covered up by a soft moan and your partner won’t even notice. Even if you say something that may sound like a cheesy Harlequin line, well, practice always makes better.

And last, but not least, always keep in mind that there is no such thing as right or wrong time and place. If all you can think about is satisfying your greedy sexual devil, who the fuck cares if you’re in an expensive restaurant or at a business meeting?

Just send a text that says “You’ll be inside me in an hour” and count the 59 minutes that are left.

Author: Petra Lane

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