43. I don't want it to end2

I hung up the phone and stared into the blankness. These words, I hate these words, dude.

We need to talk.

Such a stupid thing to say, such an idiotic way to whisper the imminent break-up in one’s ear without actually confirming it, then leaving the other person hanging and wondering until you meet them up.

I know that’s what we’ll talk about and I’m very much aware where this need comes from. But I don’t give a fuck, I couldn’t care less about facts and awareness.

I don’t want it to end.

I don’t want to see only myself in the mirror as I wash my teeth – I want you to keep being there, making silly faces using the toothpaste.

I don’t want my house to be spotless – I want your socks and T-shirts lying around every corner.

I don’t want to eat a whole pizza by myself – I want you to keep stealing slices when you think I’m not looking.

I don’t want my nights to be quiet – I want you snoring beside me, with your hand touching mine.

I don’t want it to end.

We have our problems, no one can deny that. But which couple doesn’t? Do you know  any couples that never fight? But this doesn’t mean they give up; if they really love each other, they find a way to figure things out. And, if others can do that, so can we.

I don’t want it to end.

You have a short temper and so do I. We say things we don’t mean, we get hurt and maybe routine’s got the best of us – we’re both sitting silently in front of our computers every day, our only words have come to be about the boring and mundane details of our life.

After a few years, it’s a painful realization that we look at each other and it feels like we’re transparent. Our passionate hugs have turned into a brother-sister touch and that alone might be a good reason to say “fuck it, we’re screwed”.

But I don’t want it to end.

Can it end when we still love each other? Can time and habit be proven such powerful foes that we lost our battle against them? Can it be that we are yet another couple that couldn’t outlast them? Another statistical number that confirms such an awful rule?

I always thought we’d be the exception. That, when all else failed, we’d invent another thing to do, a magical device of sorts, to keep walking down the same path. Together.

I don’t want it to end.

Like a stubborn child that stomps their foot on the floor, my eyes gleaming with an inner certainty that I can do everything I set my mind on – and right now, that is to destroy all the obstacles we, on our own, have created. A ”Force of nature”, as you used to call me. And that’s what I am, only lately I forgot.

But this obliviousness has come to bite me in the ass and brought me back to my senses. I don’t know where you stand, darling. I don’t know if you’ve crossed your limits and if our “us” belongs already in your past – you only told me that “we need to talk”.

On my part, however, all I need to talk about is a chance. For both of us, since no irreparable mistakes were made, no DOA decisions, nothing that can’t be fixed – if only we want it to. Yes, we did let go, but we still have time.

I will not let it end.

By that, I don’t mean that I’ll force you to stay into something that doesn’t complete you anymore. But if the love I see in your eyes is still there and not in my imagination, then I will create something new for us. All I need is you to bear with me and assure me we can make it.

Don’t let us end.  

Author: Petra Lane

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