My room is dark and full of terrors. I just sit, beset by ghosts of the past. Music. Fighting. Voices. Tears. Retreat. Withdrawal. Teeth and fists are clenched. It’s St. Bartholomew’s Night Massacre tonight and I’m breathlessly fighting to stand my grounds. To prevail over my demons and not allow them to suffocate me. To forgive and forget, to stop my blood from boiling through my veins, to keep my voice from ripping apart my throat.

The battle is uneven, though.

So many people I didn’t confront. So many faces that pushed me into the dirt. So many words that turned my dignity into ashes. All of their faces form the shape of your face. All of their actions are suddenly unified in your betrayal. And as I let go, as I succumb to the Fifth Deadly Sin, I hear the voices.

“Give in. Let your wrath flow through you, fill your body and dominate your mind. Let the fantasy of your revenge permeate your psyche. You do fantasize, don’t you? You imagine ways you could hurt him and there are a lot.

Don’t be scared of yourself. You’re not evil, he deserves it; he had it coming. Remember what he did to you. How he underestimated your wit, how he toyed around with your heart and danced all over its scattered broken pieces. What a meaningless, pitiful, deceptive little creature he turned out to be. How he turned your love into a sign of foolishness and your passion into leverage, in order to fill his own void.

And now it’s your chance for revenge. Plan your actions and your thoughts carefully. Think through all the things you could say to him, while he’s lying in a pool of despair – the one you gracefully pushed him into. Picture yourself standing over him, smiling calmly, as he cries over the ruins of what once was his happiness. Ponder over the satisfaction you will feel, enjoying his well-deserved misery.

You can make it happen. You know everything you need to make him pay his debt – along with everyone else in your life that thought you were a frightened, gutless little gal. Go ahead. Walk the path. I will guide you through it”.

“Go ahead, then. Take your revenge. Don’t expect me to tell you that this is below you. You’ve been through a lot and, sometimes, people need to learn a lesson the hard way. My only disagreement lies on the means you choose.

Making him suffer might do the trick for you – but only for a brief time. Afterward, all three of us know you will regret it. Vengeance doesn’t run through your veins, no matter what you believe right now, you’re only driven by deep emotions right now, emotions that would never withstand the presence of your soul’s light. You’re not made to be Lady Vengeance. ”

“And what do you suggest? The Almighty Forgiveness?”

“No. Forgiveness can be a release, but not on this occasion. No, I’m merely suggesting an alternative path, more meaningful revenge; your success. Rising from your ashes and proving to the fuckers they had nothing on you. Be the living proof that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and that everything that hurts you ends up being your ammo. Let them sod off, while you’re still walking and pursuing your dreams. Show yourself and, consequently, them that you don’t need anyone who doesn’t need you.

Because, honey, it may be a great feeling to stand smiling over your past  – but it’s an even better one to detach your anchor and wave at it as you’re sailing away on your cruise”.


Author: Petra Lane

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