“Love doesn’t hurt you, people who don’t know how to love do”, I read and I knew that my friend was right. And then, I sat down and got drawn back down that old memory lane – the one I seldom visit. They say that this is hurtful, but I find it liberating; like putting together the missing pieces of an endless puzzle.
I didn’t know where to start. Once, I was more eager to believe in the people that came into my life; no further questions asked. Not because I wanted a fairytale, but because of the faith that this goodness in people exists… and it’s there, with them. Of course, this wasn’t true for every one of them; but that doesn’t also mean that I’m going to stop looking or believing in the goodness I’m talking about.
Now that I’m reading the words my friend wrote to me in that letter, I just know in my heart that I don’t want to waste any more time being bitter or sad. Instead, I’m just wondering. What is it that I want to be happy? I could say a million things in one single sentence – things that can be bought or cultivated. But the realization hit me out of nowhere; I want the love that we all secretly (or not) envision. Don’t get me wrong. We all have different standards and preferences but, in love, the things that we want are not that variant.
So yes, this what I want. The kind of love that happens naturally and is not chased or borrowed. It contains two people, that despite all the differences are making a continuous decision to stay together. A decision to stay there no matter how hard it gets; and they know more than anything that love by itself isn’t enough to build a whole relationship out of it. It’s like a constant refusal of them ending up being one of those chiché couples that even if they love each other, surprisingly, can’t work it out.
Each and every day begins with them either together waking up in each other’s arms, feeling each other’s breath on their forehead, on their neck. Legs tangled, messy sheets, and a smile of pride for the raunchy and deviant moments they get to spend and have when they meet in that bed … or any place in particular. They aren’t afraid to show to each other their goofy side or how nerdy they can be; they just laugh it off, making their own inside jokes. They aren’t afraid to show their flaws either, because perfection doesn’t describe them. There might be days when they’ll be totally pissed off with each other but that won’t be the end of the world. Arguments and days spent without each other actually are drawing them closer each and every time since they can’t stand the silence between them for too long.
Hours spent on the phone, messages, and the heart racing when their phone rings and they see each other’s name on it. Long drives with the car, sudden meetings in the middle of the night for a hug or a kiss, a song that reminds them of a good time they shared, winter and summer nights spent in front of the fireplace or at the beach.
They aren’t afraid to spend time separately or with their friends because in fact, this makes them miss each other more. They are independent but also interconnected; they strive to have a healthy relationship rather than a shady one they hear from their friends. They care for each other’s well-being in total and when things get rocky or hurtful they try to solve it.
Now I know – this is love. This is the love we all hope for and one day we envision getting it. Anything else is rather bullshit.