Truth be told, I had a lot more to say back then – but I didn’t. Not because I was afraid, or because didn’t have the words to do so, but because I knew you wouldn’t want to understand. It’s not like you couldn’t; you just thought you knew better than me.
Why? Because of age. Or because of years and years of possible fucked-up experiences? Well, in that case you’re right – and I advise you not to try to understand what I’m talking about. Your judgment of things would be clouded – not to say the farthest thing from the truth. I should have known that you only work things out, and consider exceptions, in your mind. But I’m here to tell you this: There are a lot of things in this world that, despite our difference in personalities, are true for everyone.
But you know better than anybody, right? Or do you just know better than me?
I guess it’s both in your mind; we wouldn’t dare be correct in your eyes. When we are, oh, it gets pretty amusing – because then, there is so much stubbornness in us and the need to be proven right. Yeah, I’m pretty damn stubborn when I give too much thought to something and say it is exactly as it is; I can live with that, no problem.
I also have the need to be proven right when I’m not in denial and face things as they really are. Sorry, as much as I love acting, I wouldn’t want it to accompany me in real life. You can have it, along with all the drama you seem to crave so much; I can’t be blamed for wanting things to be clear. I can’t also be blamed for not doing well with people who tend to mix them up so badly; so much so that you need a new word for defining a fucking mess.
But you blamed me anyway. After all, isn’t that what all manipulators do? They acknowledge all their flaws through somebody else that is willing to put up with their shit. I did it once – you really think I’ll do it again? No pushover material here, sir. Anyone who has brains in their head, wouldn’t want to be with someone like that.
I’m not saying I don’t have flaws, I do. Actually, everyone does. But if you make it your business to see only those and use every chance you get to refer to them, then bye-bye. It’s even worse when you imprint your own flaws on me. It’s not healthy, I don’t want it – we have nothing more to say.
I’d rather be with someone who sees life clearly, and not through the lens of toxic experiences. I’m not the one who is going to release the venom out of you, nor will I be the one to put up with all the anger and disappointment issues. That’s your job, and unless you do it correctly, then Houston we have a problem.
Maybe there are people out there who are willing to sit there and go through hell, waiting for you to overcome everything. I’m not one of them, not because I don’t care – but because I can see how unhealthy it is for both of us. The purpose of two people being together is to become better, to rise together. Do you really think this is the case with us?
It gets worse and worse, and I’m not willing to settle for anything that makes me unhappy. Or miserable. Or guilty for being a human with flaws. Most of all, I’m not willing to jump into the fire and, not only get burned but scorched.
Being happy is a choice, and yes, I’m making the right one. And that is someone who not only accepts me for who I am but also makes me better.