The past came knocking on my door again with answers to questions I put to bed a long time ago. The time when I broke free, realizing clearly for the first time that this wasn’t where I wanted to be anymore. You were determined to stay in the past; I was already one step into the future. You see what’s wrong with all of this, right?
It started suddenly, the road back into the gutter. No warnings, no red flags. It just did—nothing could have been said to you, to prevent you from it. It was a conscious choice. You were pressing a pause at everything in your life, or better yet, you were trying to make everything stop. Moving forward was making you queasy. Any step towards real life and adulthood was out of the question. And I never found out why, until now.
Turns out, real life and adulthood was never your cup of tea. You were always giving the impression that you know what you’re doing, you’ve got everything figured out. But that’s all it was. An illusion, a façade, a persona that you wanted to share so no one can actually see what’s right behind it—a manipulator, with a choice to stick in environments that he can actually control. Environments that take you back to high school, to that teenage phase where everything is simple and you’re still living the dream, before life comes and gets you. And because in those phases everything is simple, you get to play the smart ass. You get to behave like you’re the gifted one, full of talent and intellect. You get to live your dream too my love. Or so you want to believe.
Now it makes sense. Now I know, why you never wanted to expand yourself, grow or even meet new people. Expansion and development meant stepping outside of your comfort zone; which was something you could never do or control. After all, you would definitely come across someone who is by far more talented, intellectual or gifted than you. You would never be able to digest this idea. You would never be able to live with it.
These are the deep waters you would never be able to swim.
So stay there in the gutter my love. Stay close to the things and people you can control, live the same boring life, experience the same situations all over again. Stay in that small world of yours that has nothing to do with reality. Stay in that bubble thinking you’re the best. Stay there thinking you’re above everyone else, and keep manipulating. Stay there feeling proud for yourself, because you’re the better man. Stay there. And don’t look back.
Ah, one more thing. Thank you for proving me right. Every damn word that came out of my mouth that day was the ultimate truth—one you couldn’t even handle, yet again. Thank you for not disappointing me. You turned out to do exactly as I said, without the slightest variation. Yes, you were that predictable. That also my cue for wanting to stay away from you. The cue probably needed for me to realize that you didn’t belong in my life anymore for good. I was going forward. You were going back.
Or in fact, you always were there. But I couldn’t see it for a long time, until I was the only one wanting to grow in all this. Good luck in your journey to the gutter my love. I’m ensured that your permanent stay will suit your needs, preferences and above all your abilities. This is it, you can only go this far. Enjoy your stay.
And screw you for the times you made me think I wasn’t enough. I was way more than enough. I always was.
I guess that was actually the problem from the start. I was under your control till I started moving forward; until I wasn’t anymore.
And I couldn’t be prouder for that. I can’t be controlled by you now; I’m swimming in waters you’d never be able to swim.
Stay there in your gutter. It’s the best for you and I might say, it suits you just fine.
It always did. I’m glad I can see that now.