How have you been? Good? Ah, me too. Noticed some changes lately?
The outer reflection of yours is the same, but we both know the inner part hasn’t been the same for quite some time now. Maybe you notice some change on you too, but let me guess—you’re too afraid to even mention it. You might even say that you don’t know what the hell is going on. It’s like a constant fight.
Let me ask you one thing, though: Are you fighting yourself, others; or perhaps both?
I’ve been there. I know what it’s like. Sometimes we meet shitty people that can totally screw us over and make us feel used, worthless, betrayed—the list can go on forever. And for some reason, you find yourself changing. You feel different, you look different, but most of all you sound different. Nothing is the same anymore and it can’t go back to where it was. The limits are crossed, your patience has been way more than tested, and your stamina has reached new levels. Yes, I know. You’ve become more resilient than ever. That is a good thing; I won’t even try to defy you or say otherwise.
Is resilience though enough for you? Can you be just that? Can you feel only that from now on?
I can’t answer that; only you can.
Are you aware of the walls you’re building around you? Are you aware of all the emotions that can’t touch you? Or the kind words that you seem to surpass daily, thinking that they are deceptive? How are your nights, do you sleep peacefully for an instant, only to wake up in the morning with a weight on your shoulders and in your chest? Do you think that this day will be different, or is it just the “same shit, different day”?
Do you believe in the kindness found in people anymore? Are you aware of the people around you that more than anything in the world, want to be next you—and furthermore, treat you actually well? You know, these people do exist and they don’t ask anything extraordinary. The only extraordinary thing they might ask of you is to be close to you, connected to you. But for some reason, you don’t believe them because you think they will end up shredding you to pieces. You know what? Not everyone around you is your enemy. Not everyone around you is trying to hurt you. Sometimes, someone wants to enjoy your smile and your existence. Simple as that.
But you end up hurting them. You end up treating them like shit, for even attempting to come closer to you. You think you’re saving time from the disappointment that is coming near. After all, they’re people, right? Humans deserve to be punished for all the damage they’ve caused. They deserve to feel exactly as you did some time ago… maybe, maybe even worse.
And just like that, you have become the monster you were once afraid of—or worse, hated. Sometimes you recognize it, sometimes you don’t, sometimes you’re afraid to even think about it. I’ll tell you only this: beware. Beware of your actions, of your behavior. Pay attention to what you’re causing and most to importantly to whom. Only one person can take the blame—and that is the one that actually mistreated you. Not the rest of the world, and most certainly not the ones that want what’s best for you.
So my friend, beware.
Beware of the person you’re becoming.
Beware when you’re not afraid of the monster anymore.
You might have started to look like it.