It happens like this.

He’s imperfect, but you keep on reminding yourself that everyone is. He fluctuates between warm affection and disinterest. He takes but barely gives. Although, you are blinded by him, you are completely infatuated because you can’t see through him yet. You fall in love. You fell fast and hard for him even though you had promised yourself that you would be more careful this time when it came to love.

As the months progressed, you started seeing through him, and that broke you. He was no longer the person you thought you had next to you. At first, you didn’t realize that you were standing in the eye of a catastrophe so disastrous that one wrong move could end in your devastation.

In the beginning, you were sold a version of a person that was not real. Because of this illusion, you always hoped that things would go back to the way they were in the beginning. You might still wonder how you missed the obvious warning signs before you became intimate and gave your heart away. He might be everything you shouldn’t have wanted — but you did.

You used to make excuses to yourself and the ones around you to keep him next to you, even though deep down you knew that he didn’t want to “be kept’’.  You started questioning yourself; whether it was your fault, whether you should had done something different. It wasn’t your fault there was nothing you could have done differently that could have altered the outcome of where you are today. People rarely change. In small bits, sure. And when they want to change, to evolve and be better, they might have a better shot at it. But you cannot change someone. Only they can do that. There is only one thing that could possibly alter the outcome and that would have made this journey less painful and easier, and it’s that you could have walked away sooner. But you didn’t …

How is it fair that as soon as you opened your heart to him, he would get back to his life as if you had never existed? Then he would once again crawl back into your life when he felt lonely. He’s a man with an unattainable heart and your soul deserves better. Your fear of being lonely hasn’t benefited you, it has only led you to him – a man who doesn’t know how to love.

A feeling of confusion existed every night. You were with a person that, even though you were sleeping next to him, you always felt lonelier than if you were in bed by yourself. Every word he ever said to you only made you feel more and more confused. He was not misunderstood. He was toxic. You had fallen in love with an emotionally unavailable and commitment-phobic man.

A discussion about defining the relationship would come up from time to time, but you would never be satisfied with the answer you were given. There would never really be an answer. When the discussion would end, you would realize that he left you with more questions than you first had. You gave him second chances. And thirds. And fourths. People next to you questioned his behavior, but you were always making up excuses for him. You always defended him. “They don’t get it.” you thought. “They don’t get him.” This whole situation might even have made you reconsider whether the ones next to you really care about you or not. This relationship manipulated your mind and the way you were thinking.  Your everyday struggles coping with his lack of emotions only accumulated to mental and emotional exhaustion.

Keep in mind, you had done nothing wrong.  It wasn’t you. It was him. It was his toxic personality and narcissistic mind. You did so much for him, knowing that it would never be enough for him – you would never be enough for him.

This man is incapable of giving you the love you deserve. He is never going to be able to give you the life you envision.

You don’t have to settle for a love that consists of high highs and low lows. Or a love that’s mediocre all the way through. You can have the good without the bad. The beauty without the beast.

I am better than you and better without you.

But what are you without me?

Author: Elle Karapanou

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