You’ve heard it all before. No, I am not quoting Madonna, although, in this case, the Queen of pop could come in quite in handy, especially as we’re trying to wrap our minds around all the unbelievably immature people that have, at least once in our lives, used the clichés everyone loves hating.

The idea is that one uses those chunks of faux reassurance to avoid drama. In most of these cases, there has been extensive counseling from “wise” friends quite “experienced” in their personal lives, and all committees have reached the conclusion that the forthcoming breakup should be coated in in sugar and wrapped up in velvet, as “Who knows what happens in the future”. Or as a dear friend and colleague of mine calls it, the “backup plan”, the safety net that one likes to believe they have “on reserve’  in case they feel alone in the not so distant future.

There are two one-liners that are more common than the flu at winter, and more boring than watching the news at 2 a.m. after a porn movie of your own choice.

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

Noooooo shit Sherlock.

This is one of the red flags raised about a person that has huge insecurities and just realized things are getting more serious than anticipated. I cannot but consult restraint and patience. I do know that all you want to do is scream in that person’s face how stupid what they just said sounds, but please do try to come up with something better. I know based on Murphy’s law that the best one-liner will occur to you right after you are left alone, but I will propose the following to make that person go crazy.

Agree with what you just heard. If that person wants to bullshit you, it is only fair that you should bullshit back. Make sure you confirm that it is indeed exactly as what your (now) ex says, and provide all the necessary evidence if need be. You will see that things might take an ugly turn, it is quite possible that a big fight will commence. However you and I can both agree that, for a moment, one precious moment, they will be dumbfounded by your readiness to admit that their bullshit is quite on point either way.

And here comes the 1 million dollar one liner, the one that cracks me up every single time.

“I’m not at the point in my life for something steady”

Yes. Give those people a cookie for admitting, after an identified amount of time, that the inside of their head is like what comes out of a mixer – nothing coherent or solid can come out of it- and they are not thinking about anyone but themselves. This line usually occurs after some months in a relationship, or even some years and it denotes a very simple subtext.

“I am not at the point in my life for something steady WITH YOU”

Unfortunately, I do understand that after hearing that you might just go bat-shit crazy, and depending on the stage of your recently departed relationship, you may have numerous reactions. However humour can get you out of the corner, in this case as well, and you can get to mourning later.

I may not be able to offer you a good one-liner, but think of life as a board game. That person is two-three rounds behind you. At some point you might find yourselves at the same point. Or not.

Truth is you don’t want to be anyone’s second choice.

So buckle up, break a smile and throw a vicious line they’ll remember.

A suggestion would be the following.

“The only thing I allow in my like to make me feel tottery is alcohol. See you when you’re out of diapers”

Author: Michael Poe

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