I always felt contempt for those people who would argue that having tension in a relationship is a good thing. It spices things up, makes them more interesting. It give the couple perspective, a reason to have steamy, passionate, out of routine sex, a reason to hold that other person tighter afterwards. Heck, it gives couples a reason for further fights, further tension, further passionate sex, more emotionally strenuous situations.
Sounds freaking amazing for a couple, right? It sounds like a match made in heaven, it sounds like a good Introduction to Healthy Relationships 101. Sounds ideal.
Until it doesn’t. Τhere is a fine line never to be crossed – at least for people like me. I will borrow a line from political theory, so bear with me. In love and war all is allowed, is it not? Some philosopher has said that once we become accustomed to atrocities, we normalize them, and they do not seem as absurd and horrific anymore. If you keep reliving tense scenarios, then there is nothing to be afraid of. I will blink the first time we’ll fight. The second one too. By the fifth time I will be used to it. And once we hit double digits, it will be time for me to go.
We all have our limits. The things we can’t simply accept, the boundaries that, once set, we can’t overcome. None of my business to judge anyone out there, but in more than one cases, I know people in relationships that put up with more than they should because of “love”. They throw their moral code out the window, try unthinkable things – all in the name of saving whatever it is they are trying to save.
But not here, not yours truly. See if you keep pushing some idea you have on someone, I will let you in on a little secret. It will not go well. I am a person of loose limits. But those I do have, well, they are rock solid. If one keeps scraping at them I will get annoyed at first. I will casually mention it, make it abundantly clear; even dumb it down if I have to. Εveryone deserves the benefit of a doubt.
But see, if the same things go on, if someone insistently pushes my limits, then I will stop pushing back, and I will start thinking of what would be otherwise unthinkable. My way out. As does anyone who realizes that, if what you like is building tension all the time, pushing my buttons in all the wrong places, then maybe you’re not what I was looking for in a partner.
Love has been over-dramatized in Hollywood chick-flicks and television series that do nothing but show happy endings.
Newsflash. Most things that are intense don’t have happy endings. You either live until you burn out the candle quickly, or you slowly burn it for the rest of your life. At least in terms of love. Now some are lucky and keep the fire lit for a lifetime. Those are the matches made in heaven. But it takes effort and a whole lot of luck. And energy. And power. And strong will.
But not many are up for the task. They’d rather hop on the next bus and hope that down the line they’ll settle down.
But just between you and me, that sounds like a hangover from hell.
Wouldn’t want to be in their shoes…