Your arm is draped over my bare chest and you’re fast asleep. You’re all but snoring and I smile to myself as I run my finger up and down your biceps. It feels as if my whole body, all the tension that had built up there an hour ago, is gone and I’m of no more substance than air. There are no words to describe how absolutely comfortable I am right there, half beneath you.
When we’re lying in bed like this, passion having subsided into complete and utter serenity, everything around us, before and after us, disappearing like smoke from the fire we just caused -and put out- I don’t usually think about anything. My mind is blissfully blank, all thoughts outside the two of us gone. Because only one thing matters, one person; and you’re right here, our bodies intertwined.
My brain won’t shut up tonight though, and you’re on my mind. All the things I’ll never tell you.
Will I ever confess any of it? Probably not.
What would I say anyway?
“I’d give up forever to be wrapped in your arms, I’d forfeit always to hold you, I’d forsake heaven for hell with you. So long as I don’t have to miss you anymore.”
I mean, seriously, see how that sounds? Ridiculous.
I’m not one for “talking about our feelings”; you know that. Ιt’s not in my nature. And I don’t like it. I don’t want to. Grand declarations aren’t my thing. I’m not sweet nor will the things I say be dripping honey and sentiment. I’ll employ 1000 words to hide behind, rather than use those 3 that are said too much by others.
You know what the irony is, right? It’s that I, with my outstanding, incomparable memory, don’t remember the day I met you. I didn’t ask for you, I didn’t want or need to get my mind fucked, or have my heart start beating overtime. I wasn’t looking to find someone to consume my thoughts or who I’d actually want in my life for more than a few hours. I have a goddamn check list to keep me out of this sort of shit. I’m a cynic and I like it that way. And you get the funny part, right? You’re a 10/10 on my list, honey.
I know how it sounds. It makes no sense. The fucking universe conspired, the timing was impeccable, it was the right place at the right time. Insane, right? We could have met years ago, and just as easily, we could have never met at all. We could very well have continued, each of us on our way, still walking side by side, or passing each other up from time to time, without our paths ever crossing. Coincidence? Yeah, you know I don’t believe in those. But the first minute I laid eyes on you, I knew.
Oh, fuck. I’m in trouble.
Yup, that was the one thought I had as I walked up to you and you smiled at me. You were there, around in a completely abstract sense, but I’d never really looked at you before that time. And just like that my mind went up in flames; flames that completely engulfed my body and my heart.
Everything felt like it was on fire. My legs shook, I felt like I had just hit the finish line of a marathon, my heart pounding, my breathing forced, my whole body ready to just crumble into your arms. If I could have had you then and there, at that very moment, I would have. That was the effect you had on me from day one; the same effect you’ve had on me every day thereafter. I can’t seem to ever get enough of you. Now, if that’s not chemistry, I’ll be damned if I know what is.
Your smile, your brilliant twisted mind. Your growling and your purring. Your lips, your body. The way you move. The way your voice sounds when you whisper and how your breath feels against my ear. How your hands feel on my skin as you touch me, and your grip as you grab my waist and pull me closer. Having you right here, in me, wrapped around me, holding you as close as I can to me, your body up against mine, our chests pressed up against each other so tightly that I can’t tell your heartbeat from mine. How, we fit, perfectly, into each other.
Another smile comes to my lips as I you stir in your sleep and pull me closer. Now tell me, was that a coincidence?
I could sit here, spinning a custom-made praise just for you, telling you, in detail, all those little things that made me fall for you, all those little seemingly inconsequential moments I remember after that first day, writing why it is I’d willingly stay in trouble with you for as long as I possibly can, against all logic and all odds. Even this much is too much though. Because 1000 words don’t do either of us justice. And one day, I might explain it all. But I won’t tonight.
You’re asleep, and there’s only one thing I’d wake you for in the middle of the night. And you know well that it has nothing to do with talking.
For the time being, as things are, you’ll have to settle to know that I prefer burning with you right here next to me than spending another hour doing anything else, with anyone else. I’ve tasted what missing you is like, our time apart unbearable, and now that you’re here, I won’t stand for it.
All I’ll say is that I’d abandon the promise of Heaven with anyone else, for Hell; as long as it’s with you.
I was never interested in heaven, anyway. It was too boring a notion. Too comfortable. I’ve always wanted hell; a hell I could fit in, a hell I could thrive in, where I could be myself; perfectly imperfect. A hell with you, just as perfectly imperfect, right there next to me.
Because you’re no saint and I’m no angel. We don’t need heaven; we know how to burn the right way. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
But I won’t even tell you that.
You’re still asleep, and by morning, these thoughts will be gone.