Appearances deceive, they say. Never judge a book by its cover they say. It’s what’s on the inside that matters. The tip of the iceberg is what shows, even though 75% of it is submerged underwater. I could go on but I think you all get the idea. The gist of all of these –very popular– sayings is that we shouldn’t remain on what we see on the outside and that the truth is buried way deep down beneath the surface.
And how can that not apply to relationships as well? Aren’t there those simply spectacular couples you see from time to time, those that make even the word “perfection” seem insufficient in describing how totally, well, perfect, they are?
Honey, perfection is for art; not for human beings – and definitely not for relationships. Multiply the utter stupidity of the notion given that we are talking about people in a relationship.
So it’s time to debunk the term and pull relationships down to earth, out of the clouds and fantasies, where they belong.
Describing a relationship as “perfect” is precisely the same thing as saying that “it’s complicated”; the two are complete opposites in meaning but not in essence. They’re both red lights that something is “off”. They’re just a way to hide things.
Not all that shines is gold. In fact, I’ll even go so far as to say that gold is hidden pretty deep inside jagged rocks, in cold dark places. It takes a lot of work to get to it and a knowing eye to tell it apart from “fool’s gold”.
Angie and Brad, Brangelina, and whatever other ridiculous titles they gave this couple. THE perfect couple. Their love story one of those dreamy ones that make you believe that Karma is a real thing; you know, the Universe conspiring and all that crap. Mr. and Mrs. Smith. (Which, by the way, is literally my most favorite movie of all time, so don’t shoot.)
Well, as I love to say, Karma’s a bitch. The news dropped as a bomb and took the whole world by surprise. The couple most described as perfect, divorcing. “Why?!” The question of all shocked fans around the globe. Simple.
Officially “irreconcilable differences”.
Let’s take a look at that for a moment.
A seemingly perfect couple is splitting up for “irreconcilable differences”. Really? How many years –and, for fuck’s sake, how many kids?!– did it take them to realize that they couldn’t reconcile their differences? Now, I’ll just say what all of you are thinking since I myself thought it as well when I heard the justification of the divorce – Bullshit!
Forget all the legal gibberish, semantics, and all the little things do-gooders will say to make things seem civilized and publicly agreeable. Let me explain what “irreconcilable differences” means in reality. It means that perfection is an illusion. Because, if the literal definition of a perfect couple is splitting because they have differences –or in other words, problems– that they can’t seem to solve, it means that your dream of finding the perfect relationship just got kicked in the cojones.
No, there is no such thing as perfection. Those seemingly perfect couples are far from it. Don’t trust “flawless”. It doesn’t exist. This is one of those cases where there actually is a grey area. You don’t have to seem perfect. You don’t have to convince the world that the two of you are inseparable.
It’s not normal. It’s not healthy. Each unit in a relationship is their own person, with a formed character, opinions, life views, job and pastimes. You can’t be compatible in everything. Not all of your puzzle pieces will fit together. There’ll be odds and evens, there will be things that you won’t do together.
Most of all, you don’t have to try and convince yourself that you’re flawless as a couple. You don’t want perfect; you want real. Imperfect, yet real.
Real has problems. Real doesn’t always see eye to eye. Real fights – and then has excellent make-up sex. Real loves. I’d take real over perfect any day of the week and twice on Sundays.
Yes, you’re going to butt heads. Yes, you’re going to disagree. You’re going to have problems, like all couples on this earth; the ones that are not perfect and don’t try to be. You’ll struggle to work through your mutual issues and get beyond them, because, no, you’re not perfect, neither as individuals, nor as a couple, but you’ll love each other all the same. There’s no use in trying to project it. Who gives a sideways fuck about what people who are outside of your relationship think? Do you go to bed with them at night?
Stop looking for that unicorn, that myth, of perfection between two people. Don’t try to make your relationship into something that only exists in naïve people’s imaginations. It’s a pipe dream, an illusion, something you’ll waste your life chasing – and something only manage to kick perfectly wonderful people to the curb for.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith were characters, not real people, after all. And even they beat the shit out of each other before they got honest.