let100816

There are things that I feel the need to tell you. Who am I kidding, though? Even if I could tell you straight to your face, I doubt that I’d have the guts to. I’d stand there like a complete imbecile, stuttering, not getting half a sentence out properly. Maybe it’ll be better if I write it to you. I’ll try not to revise much; so it’s all as raw as possible.

So here’s the thing: The fact that I avoid you doesn’t mean that I am indifferent; it’s because I’m struggling not to think of you. I am trying, with everything I have in me, not to let you roam around in my head and in my subconscious, hoping that in that way I can pretend that you don’t exist. I don’t want to, but I have to. Because it’s the only way I can get through the day. Ridiculous isn’t it?

If I avoid you, if I pretend you don’t exist, if I try my best and succeed as much as possible in not thinking about you, then maybe, at some point you’ll fade into a mere acquaintance, I’ll no longer long to see you, and hope that I will get some kind of word from you. I’ll be able to set aside whatever it is I feel for you and the hope that you might feel the same.

I’m extremely bad at it though.

I look for you throughout the day. I search for you in the faces around me and the voices in the crowd. You’re there; and you’re not there just the same. And when I do catch a glimpe of you, when I do hear your voice, my attention is on nothing else. Hell could be breaking loose around us but I’m fixated on your face and hanging from your lips. The fact that I don’t acknowledge you is for my ego’s benefit; as well as the benefit of those who surround us.

I fucked up. I know it; and I know that you know it. And I am sorry. There are times I wish I could go back and change what I did and what I said. Pride is deadly to any kind of relationship, but especially to the mind and heart of the one that puts it above all. And pride is what keeps me from telling you.

I miss you.

Sounds crazy enough, doesn’t it? Believe me, I know. I can fully comprehend how all this seems to you. Don’t think I’m oblivious. Don’t think that I have no logic or that my rationality has slipped and gotten lost somewhere along the way.

You’re everywhere it seems. And just as I pause, as I take a breath, just as you slip my mind for a few minutes – there you are again. In a song, in a smell, in a word, in an image in front of me. And I panic, terrified that you will see the weakness, that it will somehow come out of the crawl space I’ve shoved it in and show itself to you and the rest of the world. It takes megatons of willpower to keep it in check and not let my feelings for you show.

When I see your face, I’m still mesmerized. I still want you, just as I did the first day, just as I did the last day; and apparently, just as I still do every day. I fear that I am capable of blowing everything to hell if you ask me to, and I can’t afford the thought of it since, as it seems, it’s only me that’s thinking that way. I yearn for your body as much as I did before simply because I haven’t had enough of it. And since we’re being completely honest, I don’t know, at the moment, if I can ever get enough of it.

Whether it’s a smile the thought of you brings to my face, or jealousy for those who do not have to hide in the shadows and can enjoy your company whenever it is they please. I envy those who are around you, who get to see you smile, who get to hear you laugh; or even yell when you’re angry. I’m mad at them for not appreciating it.

I’m mad at you for being alone; for choosing the deafening sound of a crowd over my whispers in your ear. I resent you for not letting me come close and for not chasing me when I walked away.

So I avoid you; I avoid you so I don’t think of you. Because what’s the point in thinking about you if you’re not thinking of me?

But that’s us; two prideful idiots. I avoid you, you avoid me and we both go to bed at night alone without so much as a goodnight to keep us warm.

And what for?
Two lives that are half.
Well played.

Author: Nikól Peri

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