I think about the words I might have wanted to say but didn’t. Or maybe the thoughts I thought of conveying and I was afraid to. Things I could’ve said. I wish thoughts were as tangible as being here right now. Because now I know where I am. Despite what I left unspoken, what I gave away to silence, I know my whereabouts now.

My mind is elsewhere though. I wonder if you ever wondered if this was as real for me as it was for you. I want to say yes. Announce it firmly and break this consecutive sound of silence and then take a step back, stand off my surroundings and take a look. The further I go the closer I’ll look. I want to say yes. I want to say that every day I could not think of the right phrase this to convey it all, how I wish my body showed you the things my tongue was still catching up on.

My eyes my fingers my smile. And so I want you to know if there was ever a way I could capture it all and show you, I would. I imagine it would look a lot like winter’s sunset. Gloomy wet and with untimely darkness. I want you to know that. I want you to know how I have wished for the ability to seize time rather than a day and hold it there just a bit longer. For as long as my look around would last and then between time’s captivity and personal focus flame as clearly as I could that I let you go. As soon as you close the door I will let myself depart too.

There is no universal definition of the word adult. However, if there is one thing that makes you act as a grown-up is when you can ultimately tell the difference between what you know for a fact and what you hypothesize without fear evidence. We know what we deserve what we need and for some reason when we are confronted with the answer we run from it.

When we’re greeted with happiness and love comes on knocking we stand by quietly, we play hide and seek with it, only to chase it away dulcet out of these senseless fear it might want to stay. We get all we wish for when we are alone in our thoughts and when we don’t, in the real world, we try to foster our needs with crumbs – and have no idea what to do with the bread.

I was never that hungry; I just wanted to be fed with the results of my investment. Naturally, find a place in the healing force of reciprocal nutrition. That I have retained up until now the hidden hope that this is the way it would go. I inhale, taking one last drag before I head back inside. My heart failed me one more time and I smile. I smile because I was wrong; it doesn’t go that way. My life is nothing more than the moments I cling to and the ones that still passed me because I often don’t realize. I smile because tomorrow I’ll be a bit different and the day after that a little more.

And before you take notice, before the world takes notice, I will know I have granted you absolution. I will never be able to fathom how things turned out this way. I will never find out if you wished for it or even if you deserved forgiveness. But I did. I deserved to give it to both of us. This is the only way to be a clean sheet again.

To be painted again breathe in, breathe out, whiten my life’s canvas somewhere in between. Discover my colors that never even knew existed. Halt every preconceived notion you’ve drawn and what they illuminate on a canvas I once thought to be bright. But I realized it can get brighter. Allow myself to give me the break spare me the moment and spoil me with a newfangled sight.

New perception and awareness through eyes which, as if always asleep but now open, can see everything clearly.

Author: Pepi Naki

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