pepi051216

A sudden inner impluse dictates you to take a step back. Take a step back and look. Your glass, round table is full. Gestures, laughs, eyes, bodies, all filling up your sight. You haven’t asked them to be here. But yet, they are. They became your table’s centerpiece, your house’s centerpiece. Your life’s centerpiece. Without your request. You have become too timid to ask and they managed to show you that you didn’t even have to.

If you have to seek it, there’s no point in it, anymore. You look at them and the contrast of the old memory of yourself, next to your new image mirrored in their eyes, is inevitable. This new you has put back pieces differently. They wouldn’t recognise you. The ones who have lost the right to sit at the table. They wouldn’t know you. Old friends, so-called lovers, almost partners; they were left with your old pieces of anger. Αnger crying out that it hurt. Your natural defense against pain. But nothing felt natural back then.

We are predisposed to love, but the only thing you felt coming out easy from them was tactics. Tactics successively passed on words and explanations. The greater the words, the bigger the lie. But you didn’t settle for mere talking.

At first, the lack of actions casted shadows upon your expectations on how the whole thing would work out. Thinking that happy, enduring dreams are short, you watched your childhood innocence and high spirit ruined by the treacherous steps behind you. But you had a wake up call and its name was importance. What is important came into focus and it was you. What you deserve. What can you do better to reach it. As they kept on leaving you and you leaving them, they showed you the importance of those who chose to stay.

You had to accept the love you thought you deserved, so now the love that the new you receives burns the bridges of the past, to light the way. This new love started with loving you first. It’s not other peoples’ job to do it. It’s yours. Off all the people on the planet you talk to yourself more than anyone. So, you made sure you were said the right things from that time on. You threw that broken mirror of bad luck into the sea. The waves helped you to get back to you and define its course from then on. You didn’t have to wait for an apology to forgive, you did it anyway; and it renewed every cell inside.

You were slowly transformed into the kind of person you wished for when no one was there for you. When you were free-falling from the clouds you thought they had lifted you to and had been waiting on, for a pennant to keep on hanging there. Instead, you bumped your head on the ground, chuteless. You have always known we are mended with intention and this insight made you exactly what you didn’t want to become.

This daring act of being the love you never received, became consistent and essential to reborn. Therefore it was not easy. Not easy at all. Hate is easy; love takes courage. Thus, the only wish of revenge you made for them, was to see them be able to love more than they can bear. Because now you know that if you can love the wrong people that much, imagine how much you can love the right ones.

In fact, you ought to thank their wrong entity and the body of lies they fed you. If it wasn’t for them you wouldn’t have centerpieces to admire,  voices, laughing hard, filling the air in your house, or the air in your lungs when you laugh back. You wouldn’t have real bodies embracing you in a clasp. You wouldn’t have the new you. And in the end you wouldn’t have you, answering to that very same voice, to the question, what was the best thing they ever did to you, which was to leave you.

Author: Pepi Naki

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