This mind of yours cannot take it anymore. The language is familiar, the sound is not foreign, the image is well known and the cracks come out of their typical corner to embellish your space for one more day. However, you never seem to become fluent in this language. You do not improve your cognitive skills and your extensive practice in optimistic cliches does not work any more. You are incapable of becoming fluent at a language that makes more noise than you do. That stands far better than you, on behalf of you, before you. Sometimes it even takes your place as you fail to rise up, fight back or just grasp what is going on.

We cannot make sense of the pain.We will literally do anything to make the pain stop, even for a few seconds. But it has as many forms; as the ripples of a wave which eventually takes us to the bottom, after it has made us kneel to its force. So kneel. Fall down. Fall deeper. Fall harder. Let the wave crush you in all its forms and shapes. It could be the constant battle between what we label as our heart  and the mind, it could be a choice, a person, a dream or just you. Sometimes it is nothing at all and all of it together. You find yourself almost begging for a solution. A way out. A light at the end of this tunnel that will not be a train coming at you. Like all the previous times.

You can’t help but wonder how it would be if the rainbow came out unexpectedly just when you were about to buy one more raincoat. Just when you were ready to get accustomed to the rain. Then you laugh at yourself. Your mind has played tricks on you again. There is no way out for you. And you fall agin. You fall even deeper. You dare to claim you do it with grace after so much practice. In addition, your self worth takes a hit. That is when you realise you have planted your value in things that are often out of your control. Those things included but were not limited to, everyone and everything except yourself.

Your identity and self worth always crumbled when the foundation you planted yourself into came undone. That was the day you made a promise. To yourself. To no longer plant your worth into anything that someone else could take away. That is when you recognised two important gifts. When we build on something solid, the rug can no longer be pulled from underneath us. When we focus on becoming that source of stability ourselves, instead of seeking it outside of us this stable ground becomes unlimited. Any possible solution or miracle or answer to a riddle is inside us. The outside is just decoration. Yourself. The true you, or what is left of you the end of the day will always be there in darkness or in light. Over troubled water or on solid ground. After the best dreams or the scariest nightmares. When there will be no tomorrows and have become nothing more than a soul it will be there.

So,  fall again. Fail again. Fail better. Give up and surrender to the chaos that surrounds and engulfs you. Shout out loud “Come and get it!” to the hopelessness and agony that lurks behind every wishful thought you dare to smile upon. Let your dreams screw you over with their impossibilty and tear down every possible optimistic thought you had when you were making them. Let them tear you down this time. Every time. And every time make your ruins your foundation.

This time, too. Each time. This day, too. Tomorrow as well.

Rome was not built in a day after all.

Author: Pepi Naki

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