My mind orders me to leave you. This week. Today. Right now.
It is true that I feel I’ve had enough already, yet my heart rises up against all common sense again and my legs refuse to move a single step away from you.
Because you have come in my darkest moment to bring the light back into my life. You have put your arms around me and protected me from everything that had hurt me until then. Those arms felt like angelic wings that have been keeping me covered all the time. I have felt safe and happy. I have let you enter my heart without a second thought. For some reason though, it seemed to me that you have never kept me close to yours.
I do remember all those tender words you have said to me and these enchanting kisses that have mesmerized me. Based on a lie, or not, they have been life changing. I remember how comforting it has been to have you beside me, how purifying it has been for my soul to love you. I have made a thousand dreams for the both of us, but sometimes it feels as if I don’t fit in your dreams.
On days like this I always think that you never really loved me. That your love wasn’t deep enough. Because it doesn’t feel enough anyway. Period. And I wonder if I haven’t been enough for you. That would be so sad you know because I have believed in you. I have believed in everything that you have said to me and I desperately wanted you to be a part of my life forever. So, I have given you my everything. Until I have become all yours, heart and soul. But are you mine? Will you ever be?
I am not sure so I must go, before you do. My steps should lead me far away from you right now. But, I just stay petrified as if my legs are stuck on the floor and I stare at you.
God, I am so mad at you. And I am really mad at me too, for not being able to fool you and betray you just once, for a change. But, how could I? I have given everything to you and now there is nothing left to me to share with anyone else.
I know deep in my heart that if I go now, I will be able to breathe freely for a few seconds but the fresh air will hurt my lungs since it won’t have the scent of your body. Your fire won’t burn me anymore, but a flame will rise the temperature of my body as I will always long for your touch.
So, I can’t go anywhere. I guess that I will never be able to leave you anyway. Because I know that my heart will always be with you or nowhere in the world. Because you smile at me now, and you hold me, and I just know.
If I don’t belong to you, I won’t belong to anyone else.
Nowhere else. That this is home.
You are my home.