I still remember the day you left.
It wasn’t cold or rainy as it would have been if it was in the movies. It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon like many others before that. But something was different. And someone was about to completely transform that day.
I remember you walking away with your eyes wet from tears you were struggling so hard to hide. I just stood there watching you as you moved further and further from me, not looking back once. We were soul mates I used to think. But, in that exact moment, we were only two strangers wandering in the same town. And that broke me. It certainly had its toll on me.
My heart had been in pieces for so long. Because the next moment right after your goodbye, I started missing you and all things about you like crazy. I heard your voice in my dreams, I smelled your cologne all around me. Letting you go from my life was tough for one thing, but letting you go from my mind was real torture.
I kept on searching for you in my empty house and I became obsessed with all those places that we had spent time together. I missed your body next to me, I missed your hand in my hand and your soft lips touching mine. I missed all of you. I fought hard in order to forget you. I hid from the world, unwilling to live a life without you and I drowned myself into oceans of tears.
Then, time passed. It healed my wounds and it mended my broken heart. I stopped thinking of you all the time. I stopped living only to love you. I eventually let you go. I went out, I met friends and I had some fun at last. I thought I had found myself again. But really had I?
It seemed that I had; until the other day, at least, when I saw you across the street. You looked at me as if you owned me as if I still was a slave to your eyes.
But you know what?
I am not and it is good to know that there is no passion left in my heart for you anymore. How could there possibly be? So many years have passed since your cruel farewell. I was relieved to find out that there is no pain there either.
But yet, something filled my heart that very moment. Was it nostalgia? Was it some kind of tender love? Maybe both. Maybe neither. Perhaps it was that seeing you made me think about stuff buried deep inside me for so long.
Especially “that girl” came to mind. The one that laughed with all her heart, the one that loved with everything she had, the one that lived life to its fullest. That was the girl I used to be. When I was with you. The one that dreamed big, the one that believed in happily ever after, the one that wasn’t afraid to get hurt.
It is so simple, you see. I do not miss you anymore but I really miss who I was with you. I miss the girl that mirrored in your eyes. Because when we were together, you had awakened all my senses. You had somehow managed to uncover a sweet, tendering, dedicated nature in me. Me at my very best I would say. And then you had taken it all back.
You see, my life surely changed the day you left me. But it wasn’t because I lost you as I initially thought – but because I ultimately lost me. A part of me has been gone since back then; it left with you.
My sweet naivety has been lost. My faith in people and in eternal love has disappeared. I have become cynical and cautious with anyone that is trying to reach my heart. And I really hate that, you know. When I think about the way I used to be nostalgia overwhelms me. And that is why I still keep your memory somewhere close to my heart. That is why I often smile at your thought.
Not because I miss you. And definitely not because I still love you. Just because I used to be a better me by your side.
Do you see it now?
I still remember the day you left and I always will. As your steps led you further and further away, I felt something changing inside me. At that moment I knew. I would never be the same again. And I would hate it every day for the rest of my life.