I saw you, again, last night. You were standing there. Watching me, smiling, saying nothing. “What?” I asked, but you sealed my lips with a soft kiss. “Just savoring the moment” you said. I knew you’d be gone by the morning. You had to go, it was not an option. It was something beyond our power and control.
You told me how tired and tormented I looked. You told me someone had sucked my energy dry and you could not understand how or why I let that happen. I say nothing but you ask again, frustration and anger in your voice. I have to remind you that you are not part of this world anymore, you are gone to a place you can’t escape from. The oceans and the sky divide us, the unknown divides us.
Then you remember and I can see the sadness in your eyes. You don’t say it, but I know you think that this is all your fault. I rush into your arms and I tell you again and again that you did what you had to do. I tell you how hard you fought to stay here, how many times you escaped death and laughed into its face.
I can feel the tense abandoning your body and your arms grasping me so tight I can barely breathe. You kiss me again and again telling me how sorry you are that I have to go through this without you. But you are here now and I don’t want to talk about this. I will deal with this in the morning.
Right now all I want is to feel your arms around me, your body against mine, the physical
contact we can’t have in the daylight. I ask you to tell me how you are, how you feel. But you want to know all about me instead.
I am guessing you already know, but you need to hear it from me, you need me to say the words out loud as if you are practicing some kind of psychotherapy on me.
So, I start by telling you about the day you left. I repeat the last words I whispered in your ears and I hear you saying them with me and your hoarse voice softens and your eyes close as if you are reliving the moment. Happy tears run down to my chin. I knew you could hear me, I could tell from the expressions on your face. I knew you were mentally there till your last breath despite what everyone said.
That’s a good moment. It’s like lifting a heavy stone from my chest. I always believed that love can work miracles and that’s my proof. Too bad I won’t be able to tell anyone in the morning, because they’ll think I’ve lost it.
We spend the night talking about everything. You recall the day you asked me to marry you. You had planned everything and the night couldn’t be any more perfect if you had picked the world’s best event planner to plan it for us. But you couldn’t find the guts to propose, so you just popped the question casually when I was half asleep “So, anyway… what I’ve been trying to tell you tonight was that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. What do you say?” I kissed you like a hundred times and said “yes!” a thousand more.
Suddenly your face gets serious. You say that after tonight you are not coming back, that I need to move on. I try to ask why but you are already walking away and I can hear another voice in the background: “Mom, wake up! I want my breakfast!”.
Reality calls and I have to face another day without you. The rest of my life without you.