I don’t know if I’m the right person to be writing this letter. And then again, maybe I’m just the person to write it. See, here’s the thing – I don’t think I ever believed in love. Not ever, not since I can remember myself and my opinions on the subject. And definitely not in the soulmate, star-crossed lovers, “till death do us part”, forever and always kind of love songs and romance novel are all about.
I did always believe in habit though.
You like someone and you decide to get closer to them. You have fun with them, you like spending time with them, you like talking to them and listening to what they have to say to you. They stimulate your mind. You could easily be with them most of the day and not get tired or bored of them. They arouse you sexually, so there’s that too; we’re not talking about friends. You get used to them being in your life and, after a while, you can’t imagine living your life without them. Thus you can’t -practically- live without them.
For me, love was comfort, stability, safety. It was a warm feeling for someone, an interest in their well-being, in their happiness. A mutual compassion and understanding. Knowing that, come dawn tomorrow, that person would still be there, right where they fell asleep next to me, no matter what. A calm, serene coexistence with no outbursts and extremes. Anything else was excess drama in a world with too much bullshit as it is.
Sounds too cynical? I’ll accept it. Because it is. And you know precisely what I’m talking about. You’re nodding your head in agreement. You get it.
In theory, it’s wonderful. It would be an excellent deal; if it were feasible. The flaw in all that though is the assumption that whatever is felt by one is also felt by the other. It’s rather one-sided, you see, because for it to actually work, it has to be mutual – and equal. But -as you well know- when it comes to relationships, rarely is anything, clean cut, mutual; or equal.
If you think about it though, doesn’t that ideal coexistence require some level of emotion? Some kind of dedication and devotion? And where does that dedication and devotion stem from? Why is it that we can easily accept and believe in any other type of love but the romantic type? Why is it that we can easily express our feelings and our love for our family, our friends, even for our pets, and then, on the other hand, not even acknowledge the existence of love for another person with whom we are involved romantically?
It’s because you’re scared. You’re fucking terrified of love. It’s not because you’re above emotion, it’s not because you are incapable of feeling. It sure as hell isn’t because you don’t want it. Deep down you do; you want to love someone and you want them to love you back, just the same. But you’re afraid that it won’t happen in that ideal manner you have in your mind.
Well honey, you’re right about that; it won’t happen like you want it to. There’s no such thing as free will when it comes to love. It won’t ask you if you’re ready, it won’t announce itself, it will not come when you think the timing is right or when you want it to. You don’t get to choose anything; not the timing, not the person, not the place or the circumstances.
I get it; you don’t want to be dependent on another person. You’re used to depending on you, and whatever is in your hand, you can guarantee. You can’t guarantee shit about another person, though. What if you invest time and pieces of yourself for someone who will not do the same for you? What if you’re left alone and destitute, heartbroken, with emotions that no longer work properly. You don’t want to have to feel that rollercoaster of alternating feelings that comes with falling in love. Because before love comes and settles in, you have to fall in love. There’s no reason for excesses. Being in love is overrated. The “sweet” pain that comes with it, the giddiness and the impatience, the ups and downs in your moods depending on what the other person says, thinks or does, are all overrated. Right? Right.
Think about this, though: If someone could guarantee, from the beginning, that the feelings you have would be mutual and returned equally, would you even hesitate falling face first into that person’s arms? (Picturing someone in particular, aren’t you? My point’s been made.)
With time came maturity in my case. I grew into my opinions and they grew with me. I changed, and with me, they changed too. Opinions change. People change; contrary to what you’ve been told. It takes great love or great pain, but they do change. And though I never believed in love, I did love. And though I was terriried of hurting, I did feel pain. Emotional pain, much more intense and scarring then physical.
And that’s how I can guarantee a few things for you; you’ll lose your peace of mind, you’ll lose your sleep, you’ll turn into a love-struck 15 year old. It’ll fuck with your mind, confuse you, drive you nuts, make you doubt and secon-guess everything you say and do, doubt yourself and everything you’ve ever believed, and it’ll get you higher than the most premium drug, and toss you down into Tartarus for kicks and giggles.
Yet, through everything, it’s worth it. Love is worth it. And even if pain comes with it, that pain is worth it as well. Cliché as it may sound. I get it, I used to be you. And I would have laughed at all of this. But deep down you know I’m right.
Like I said, though, I was you. And if it happened to me, it’ll happen to you.
Make no mistake, love does exist, and you should believe in it. Because it believes in you. And, mark my words, one day it will come for you too.