Two days before our second anniversary I found the courage within to do the one thing I’d been postponing to say those words I’ve been meaning to tell him for quite some time; out loud. The idea of having to maintain my cool, pretending to be fully in love through a whole night with a romantic dinner, candles, and then off straight to bed for snuggles — I just could not bear the whole idea.
Contemplating over and over again about which way is the best to do it, I figured there isn’t an ideal, nor an easy way to say, what I have said on that night. We were sitting on a bench and while he had me in his arms, I inhaled this long deep breath and with firmed eyes, I took the first step towards the end. I wanted my words to be genuine, to originate straight from my heart for I knew he was going to remember them for a long time. Inside me coil this need for no lying neither omissions for I really wanted him to understand the reasons why we were separating.
It was no easy task though, especially when I thought about this person sitting by me, how I believed we were destined to spend our whole lifetime together. But as life has taught me many times nothing lasts forever; neither the good things nor the bad things. But when it comes to bad things you somehow feel a kind of a relief. How about when good things come to an end though? With watery eyes and a hoarse voice, between the quick beats of my heart, I announced it to him.
“I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t blame you, I blame me.”
And then right after that, my cheeks were flooded by my tears. I was infuriated with myself. The most stereotypical statement one could use for a break-up is precisely what I too used; what a heartless woman am I! He deserved a better end yet I was a coward. I did not possess the guts to give him the ultimate perfect relationship he wanted; I failed in being introduced to the world as his everlasting love.
Not everyone is made for this love stuff. I’m not for sure. I never was the lovey-dovey woman, settling down was certainly not among my priorities and he was aware of that; from the very beginning when he fell in love with me. There are some women out there who breathe for their freedom and just like wild horses they are not to be tamed down and you can consider me being one of those. As a matter of fact, I should have been given credit for sacrificing my freedom but no, I was assigned a different role in this story – one of the heart assassins.
The teary messages of how we should get back together? I get it. The targeted posts on how he’s hurting after our break up? I totally understand. His friends coming to persuade me of how I ought to give him a second chance? Almost got on my nerves, but with loads of patience, I managed to remain calm. I promised that no matter what, I shall not lose my patience for many nights my guilt of how I deeply hurt him just wouldn’t allow me to sleep.
But here’s the thing – it’s been six months since I announced it to him. And from what you can understand none of all these has stopped; the messages, the posts, the help offering friends. With all this begging, he just puts me in a more awkward, worse position where I don’t know how to react. I used to believe that time is the only true healer of wounds, but from what it seems it isn’t. I have reached a point where I have begun to consider getting back together as long as this whining stops. However, what would be the point of getting back together if we were not going to be happy?
Does he honestly think that I would terminate this relationship and then go back as if nothing ever happened? I walked away because neither of us was truly happy, I was the only one who saw right through it though. And to be frank, if he’s still hurting it’s his choice. I did the best I could, I stood there even though I was not obliged to. It’s high time I cut the cord and along with it, this co-dependence we have built over the years. It does not serve us good, him offering himself this illusion of how we are going to be an item pretty soon and as regards me; it fills me up with remorse for I was the one who caused this emotional damage.
What was I supposed to do? Did I have to force myself to remain in an unhealthy affair? Better off we are apart and much better off we will be once the communication between us stops completely. I am no longer obliged of neither responding nor tolerating his neurotic, crying behavior. I’ve got to do what’s best for me and that is to turn page once and for all – even though I know very well that it would make me look like a heartless pimp.