It has been precisely thirty seven minutes since I texted him. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I promised I would not text him ever, ever again. I strictly said that I would wait until he reaches out for me first. But as always, that promise went down to the depths of the ocean along with my dignity.

I miss him. I want to see him. I truly find it hard to concentrate; my mind constantly travels to the thought of him. Even when I am at work and I am supposed to be entirely focused – I just can’t keep my mind from straying to him. He haunts me everywhere I go, and as days go by and there’s no sign of him, I become even crazier. I cannot help but wonder what he is doing and who he’s with. Is it possible that he is with another woman? No, it simply mustn’t be. What if he is though? Finally, my phone sounds; that little ping of a text! Oh, pretty please, let it be him!

No – not even close. It’s my best friend bugging me to go out. What don’t you understand woman, I can’t go out tonight! I’ll be sitting on my sofa pretending to watch TV while waiting for him to reply!

Now, it’s been thirty nine minutes. Oh my God, what is wrong with me? I can barely recognize myself, what the fuck has he done to my brain; it’s as if he has put some kind of spell on me and I cannot think of anything else. I so need to go out — immediately. And guess what; I’m not taking my phone with me. No sir, I am that strong. I don’t care whether he replies or not. Actually, I don’t care if I ever see him again in my whole life.

And as I am about to step out of my front door -alas!- he responds. The timing of that man; sometimes I feel like he is hidden somewhere stalking me. Wait, what? You idiot! Listen to me and you better listen carefully. When a woman says she misses you, you do something about it. And most importantly, you don’t make her feel as if she’s disturbing you from your so crammed schedule and your so busy life.

Well guess what; I am sorry to disturb you. I promise it won’t happen again.

Yet the person for whom I feel most sorry, is none other but myself. Sorry for how I have wasted my time again. Sorry for slowly creating all these expectations when I had sworn I would never, ever, again hope for anything after all the shit I have been through.

My poor mobile phone, please forgive me for throwing you straight at the wall and breaking you into pieces. But you have to understand. Show a bit of compassion towards me, you’re nothing but bad news to me. Every time I unlock you, there’s no message from the one I want. Unfortunately, you were the one paying the prize for the damage that has been done. How long was I supposed to be like this, do you think? I’d been turned into this maniac who checked her phone every two minutes. At some point, I honestly thought that you were broken for not showing my messages. Yet you were just fine, it was me. I was the problem – me and my stupid brain. I am so pissed at myself; you cannot possibly imagine how much. However, I won’t show it; neither I will say anything.

This too shall pass, like everything else did.

If by any chance I don’t reach out to you in the near future, begin to worry. There’s a fair chance that I cut you off, I erased you from the inside of me — and I’m afraid that you were the one who handed me the scissors. You ignore me once? I get it. You ignore me twice? Well, it happens to everyone. But when you see me with someone else, please do try and understand. And at that point, there won’t be anything that you could do to bring me back to you. Once I stop caring you are sincerely fucked, you will have rightfully gained a place on the list of people who are invisible to me and instantly you will be erased from the list of people with who I bother to give my attention to.

You see, that’s my worst and most annoying characteristic – I can go from 0 to 100 and backward again in the blink of an eye. The moment I turn that page, there’s no turning back. I just burn the book and throw the ashes down by the river.

For me, it’s never too late to start over again and give chance to people who deserve it. People who want to see me and make an effort to be present in my life, and to them I give every drop of me. But how would you know? You are not one and apparently you won’t be one of them.

Nice meeting you dude, why don’t we catch up when you are free – like in ten years time?

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Author: Marianna Ioannou

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