Making myself comfortable, as I am about to commence writing the following piece, I stare upon the blank white document. Queerly, I strike up a conversation with it. The document has had enough and commands that I shall not write another broken hearted old love story. Been there, done that, it is about time the sobbing stopped. Sobbing is for chicks and I am not a chick; I am a woman – a very eccentric one.

Have I gone mad? Of course I have. Then again, all the best people out there are mad, right? The dreamers, the writers, the painters, the thinkers – we are possessed by an eccentricity of our own. I’ve come to an agreement with the empty white page in front of me. Today I shall not write about a breakup or disappointment; maybe something related to love, but  not as direct as all that.

Taking a sip of my coffee, it finally hits me as the waiter who has just served me, compliments on my black and white outfit. This color combination suits me well he adds. Of course it does. It is a representation of my soul, for things are either black or white for me. Grey I detest, it is such a mediocre color. Grey is for the pretentious and the average, whom settle for whatever life brings to their plate. I don’t know what grey is and believe me I don’t want to find out. So unpredictable and unexplainable, I have always troubled on picking the words that best define me. But as Oscar Wilde once stated, “to define is to limit” and if there is one thing I hate on this planet is to set limitations to myself.

You ask me of what my favorite animal might be – a Wild horse I respond. I am independent, fierce and most of all untamable. There it is; a word that seems to be appropriate for this character of mine – untamable, especially in love.  The word commitment frightens the shit out of me and it is not of high usage in my vocabulary. However, as much freedom as I seek when it comes to the lovers I rarely choose, I become awfully obsessive.

You are either going to be there for me or you won’t. You are either going to treat me –and cherish me– like I am the freaking Red Queen or not.  Likewise, I shall treat you so damn fine that you will think that you are at the top of the world. I will show you what is like to be loved by a woman who does not love often. Every morning you will wake up feeling like you are the one and only one man on earth. With me, it will be all or nothing. You are mine and I am yours, nothing more; nothing less.

To be involved with a woman like me, our common life would be a pattern – a very colorful and full of surprises pattern. One day we will be climbing stools and tables, smoking and drinking and the other day we will be at the opera dressed in our very best couture. At 3 am on a Monday morning we will be out drunk, eating junk food and at 8 pm on a Tuesday night we will be on the balcony making love. Life with me will be an awfully big adventure for I will demonstrate to you how to live and not just to exist.

Trust me once to go out with my girlfriends and I will trust you twice to leave me alone on a Friday night. Remember that we are partners; a team. Don’t you ever dare of playing with phrases like “That outfit is too provocative” or “You are not going there.” You are not my guardian. I shall dress any way I like and go wherever the fuck I want.

I chose you to be my lover, and consequently that means being interested only in one person. And that person is no one else but you. Having obsessions of how I might meet other men during my outings is absurd. I am not blind, it is rational that I will come across others – some who are better and some who are worse. I will exchange glances, I might even flirt –but in the end of the day it is in your arms that I will be sleeping. Sincerely, I wouldn’t have it any other way, for once I set my mind to something, that’s about it. To make a scene out of jealousy is needless – I am already yours.

You only have one option; and that is to take me as I am or watch me as I go. To try to change me is a waste of your time, because I simply won’t change. If I do, it will only be because I decided to. If you insist on such an attitude, I’m afraid a day will come when you shall open your eyes and my side of the bed will be empty. Just like that, without a farewell, without a goodbye. I told you before and I will tell you once more, even though I hate repeating myself. I am a Wild horse, I simply cannot be tamed. No matter how many cages you try to put me in, or behind how many bars you try to keep me, I will figure out a way to sneak out.

Wanting to sneak out means that I am not giving one hundred percent of myself and therefore I have broken my all or nothing rule. Be careful of your actions. I am not a woman to play with. I can either be the best thing that happened to you or your worst nightmare. I am an angel but I can easily switch into a menacing devil in a heartbeat. So pick wisely. For I am sure you won’t be interested in spending money on therapy sessions talking about the crazy  bitch you used to sleep with.

Author: Marianna Ioannou

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