Written by Lea Verou.
“A wife should no more take her husband’s name than he should hers. My name is my identity and must not be lost” —Lucy Stone
Few topics ignite the same passion in me as the one about spousal and offspring last names. I was always dumbfounded by the number of people who favor tradition over equality on this one, many of who otherwise identify as feminists.
In most Western countries, the tradition is that after marriage, wives and children take the husband’s last name. This stems from the practice that last names indicated property, at a time where married women weren’t allowed any, and they were practically considered their husband’s property. In most Western countries, the legal system makes this optional, but still an overwhelming number of couples (over 87% in the US) go the traditional route.
I was lucky in that respect: My mother kept her own surname and I officially have both my parents’ last names in all legal documents. For the past decade, I’ve been unofficially using my mother’s last name (Verou) only since it’s shorter, easier and it has more history. Therefore, I’m grateful she insisted I get both, especially when that wasn’t as easy as it is now. After my mother’s recent passing, I’ve started the process to legally keep hers as my only official last name.
What follows is my attempt to refute the most common arguments I’ve heard against gender neutral last name habits in the past 10+ years I’ve been debating the issue with several people of both genders.
1. “Feminism is all about choice. These women choose their husband’s last name.”
To what extent are our choices really ours? In a world where women are raised by women who automatically got their husband’s last name and are taught to disconnect their identity from their last name from a young age, can we really expect them to deviate at a moment where people are at their most sentimental? Most people don’t want to be outliers and just do what’s customary.
Let me present a sociologically interesting example. In pre-1983 Greece, married women and their children automatically got their husband’s last name. Several gender equality provisions in 1983 mandated that women keep their last name by default and need to go through a lengthy legal procedure to change it, just like every other last name change. Children still get the father’s last name by default, but couples can instead pick the mother’s or both when they get married (and not after having their first child, as many wrongly believe).
Fast forward to 2013, thirty years later. It’s now inconceivable for most Greek women to adopt their husband’s last name. They feel now that their identity is connected to their last name. However, since the kids getting the father’s last name is the norm, most go that route, although it ends up with the woman being the only one in the family with a different last name. This often makes her feel like an outcast and it complicates proving that her children are actually hers without paperwork. On the other hand, in countries where it’s still customary for the woman to get their husband’s last name, the majority doesn’t give it a second thought. If our choices were truly unaffected by our environment, customs and current law wouldn’t change them.
There are also several cases where a woman consciously doesn’t want to follow tradition on that one, but succumbs to societal pressure. There are many studies showing that statistically, women tend to avoid negotiating and saying no and that those who do, are perceived more negatively then men doing the same. Equality shouldn’t and doesn’t have to be a burden on women’s shoulders.
2. “Who cares? Last names are an insignificant detail.”
This argument is almost exclusively uttered by women, or men trying to convince their future wives to follow tradition. If last names were really no biggie, why do so few men choose their wife’s last name for the family, even when it’s clearly better? Why are many of them upset even at the mere suggestion? Clearly, last names are very important to at least a large part of the population.
Besides, someone changing their last name brings a cornucopia of practical problems. They lose a big part of their professional reputation, they need to change all their paperwork, ID documents, and billing names. If last names were truly insignificant, few would choose to go through that.
3. “Taking my husband’s last name proves I love him and I’m committed to our union.”
Does he love you? Is he committed? Probably so. Will he get your last name? Probably not. QED.
4. “It’s tradition and I like to honor traditions.”
Traditions need to be re-evaluated in every generation. Following them blindly leads to cultural stagnation. After all, most traditions originally served a purpose, which might not be valid today.
5. “This tradition is in no way harmful to me, my children, or the people around me.”
This tradition symbolically signifies that a woman’s identity is subsumed by her husband’s upon marriage, to both their kids and society in general. It teaches children that daddy is more important than mommy. This subtle sexism infiltrates our collective subconscious and perpetuates certain gender attitudes, similarly to other forms of linguistic sexism like gender biased language.
6. “Well, kids need to have a last name. Choosing the mother’s would be just as unfair.”
Sure, if the mother’s last name was the default, it would be equally unfair. However, there are better solutions. The kids could have both, or do what I call “last name eugenics” and pick the nicer of the two. In some cases that would be the man’s but not always.
However, a big benefit of double barrelled surnames is that it’s easier for both parents to prove their status without carrying extra documents, e.g. when picking the kids up from daycare. In cases where the kid only bears one last name and the parents kept theirs, this is a surprisingly common problem.
7. “Having two surnames is ugly and messy.”
Maybe, but it doesn’t have to be permanent. The kids can pick the one they prefer themselves after coming of age. This way they are given some degree of choice over something that will likely accompany them for the rest of their lives.
8. “If we let kids choose, we basically force them to choose between their parents.”
They choose a last name, not a parent. Both parents can make it very clear while raising them that they won’t be upset with their choice, whatever it is, just like my parents did.
9. “If my kids have two last names and marry someone who also has two, their kids will have four!”
Ridiculous as it may sound, I’ve heard this argument more times than I can count. No, they have to pick which ones to give to their kid. In fact, in many countries, law mandates that more than two last names are not permitted, preventing this disaster in the making.
10. “What if the wife wants the husband’s last name for herself and the kids because it’s clearly better?”
Good for her, she should get it! I’m not saying this shouldn’t be allowed at all. However, with the current statistics, I cannot accept that in 90% of couples, the husband just happens to have a better last name than the wife. That would be quite a huge coincidence, right? I’m sure you can think of many examples in your environment where the wife’s last name was clearly better in every way, and she still gave it up. At least I can.
Lea is currently busy exploring academia and making it easier for people to create websites through her research at MIT. This article originally appeared on her blog Lea’s Pensieve. You can find “On last name politics” here.
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