One last I love you

Written By Hilary.

They say every relationship comes to an end. They also say that you don’t know when that ending is going to come, or how. You don’t know what’s going to cause that final fight, that last call; that last time you talk. Most people have no idea; they live in a bubble of happiness where this never happens. Where they get their happy ending and they hang on to the moments of happiness, turning a blind eye to the end that’s bound to come.

That was never us.

We knew that what we had wasn’t going to last. We knew our relationship had an expiration date. A calendar next to my bed counting the down days towards impending doom. But we didn’t care; we decided to live it while it lasted. Anyone who dared to ask what we were doing -what I was doing- was wrong and was met with a “fuck off.” Because you know I didn’t care, I still don’t; I could hold your hand and that was enough.

It was enough to make me ignore those who said I was a slut. A cheater. A terrible, terrible person.

I closed my eyes and turned my face elsewhere, focusing on you. Focusing on your beautiful smile –the one that brightened up my days. That smile that made me fall in love with you in the first place, that pulled me like a magnet towards you till my whole being gravitated solely by your existence. I can never forget your smile. It’s there when I close my eyes, just before I fall asleep. It’s there when I get on the bus. It’s there when I drink my coffee and smoke my cigarette- yes, I smoke now. You’re always with me, a presence lingering –but too much like falling rain; I can never hold you, you always slip through my fingers.

We spend the days till the end happily, like we have no troubles. Like this world was made just for you and me, like it was big enough to only hold us and our love. You were my personal Wonderland; anything was possible with you by my side. Anything.

I remember how I told you I want to touch the sun and you said you’d offer me the stars instead because they were a thousand suns, not only one. You promised me you’d do anything for me, you’d give up everything for me. And you meant it.

I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry I couldn’t do the same for you. I’m sorry I couldn’t give up everything and everyone for you, because oh boy, you deserved it.

It all ended when he came back. He had just graduated from university and he was, once and for all, moving in with me, in our city, in our apartment. The same apartment we used to sleep in together.

He and I were perfect; a couple of everyone was jealous of. Each time he calls me “princess” I hear your voice ringing in my ears, muting all the sounds around me and bringing chaos to my head. He was caring and sweet and everything a girl could ever dream of. Yet to this day I curse him for coming back to me and I curse myself for loving him too much.

I wish I loved you more, instead. I wish I wasn’t such a coward, I wish my head was clear and not a mess. I wish I had stayed. Don’t laugh at me, please, I know that all you can think about is that one time you were holding me in your arms, tracing patterns over my skin.

Remember what I told you that night? That wishing is stupid. “We shouldn’t wish for things, we should make them happen.” That’s what I said. Yet here I am tonight, wishing to be near you more than I ever have wished for anything else in my life.

I know you worry about me because that’s the kind of person you are. You let people like me ruin you and break your heart. You let me, the most empty person out there, fill myself with your love. You let me, drain you and then when I threw you away, you said nothing. You only ever gave me love. And what did I do? I stomped on your heart and broke it to a million fucking pieces.

You still worry about me, that I know. You promised you’d never forget me, you got mad at me for even daring to think something like that.

He’s good to me baby, don’t you worry. He takes care of me and he loves me. I’m happy with him, I really am. I don’t have the courage to call you, not now, not ever. I can’t listen to your voice without breaking; it brings back too many memories. So this is my way of saying one last I love you. You will never be forgotten, no matter how many miles separate us.