If it's a crime to still want you

Written By Maria K.

Looking for something to wear, I came across that dress. You know which dress; my favorite one, the one I wore that night. You know which night. I had worn that dress, so many times, on so many occasions, there are so many things that it could unearth from my memory, but still, my first thought seeing it was you.

And I smiled. I smiled remembering your smile when you saw me wearing it.

I miss your smile.

That means something; even though I miss your smile, the thought of you only brings me happiness. The fact that after all this time the fact that when I think of you I remember the good things, the beginning and not the end. Even though you’re nowhere around, my heart still skips a beat.

I slip my dress on and feel it against my skin. I smooth out the creases in it and I remember your hands around my waist. They really did feel nice there. They fit there perfectly. Your gentle touch, your strong grip.

I miss your hands.

Your hands on my neck and shoulder as you pulled me close when your lips touched my ear and I heard your voice in my ear.

I miss your voice.

It’s just that the world is so quiet. There’s not a single sound, it’s as if I’ve gone deaf, the silence creating a void in my mind. I hear my breath and for a moment, just fractions of a second, I hear yours in my ear. Goosebumps rise on my skin.

I don’t miss you often. I do think about you, wonder how you’re doing, what you’re filling the hours that I once filled with now. I don’t miss you; usually.

I miss you tonight.

I shouldn’t miss you. It’s not like there were all that many things to miss anyway. But “shouldn’t” isn’t a word that applies when it comes to emotions. It isn’t one that can be used with matters of the heart – or of the mind, for that matter. Because it was my mind that strayed to you, and then everything else. You were a thought before you were a feeling.

I once read somewhere that, whatever never happened was because we never wanted enough. From time to time, whenever you cross my mind I wonder if there might be some truth in it. Was I afraid? Was it something else? Did I really not want it enough?

Maybe it was you who didn’t want it. Not enough, not at all.

Maybe all it took to quench your thirst was a sip, all that you needed to satisfy your hunger were a few crumbs. Maybe your appetite is not as insatiable as I thought, maybe your not as voracious as you seemed.

I head to my mirror and tie my hair up in a ponytail; just like the one I wore it in that night. And just as it touched my back, I once again felt your hand on the back of my neck, just before you grabbed hold of it.

I miss your hands in my hair, just before your kiss.

I stare at my image in the mirror. I look just like I did that night. My cheeks are flushed red just with the ghost memory of you. My lips are parted, just as they were when I was short of breath, seconds before your lips touched them. Goosebumps are all over my skin, just as they were as you ran your hands up and down my body.

And though my mind has strayed to you, and though my heart is skipping beats, and though my body longs desperately for your touch, I’m on my way to another.

Another, one that is striving to take your place. A man that desires me and the crumbs I spare for him. One that would take the drops of emotion I gave you in oceans. A man that doesn’t know that though I am with him, I would rather be with you. A man that has no notion that what he sees is what you saw. And I do not do it for him; I still do it for you.

I blame myself. I have acted as judge and jury against my own heart, against my own thoughts, against my own memories, convicting myself to a life where there is no satisfaction with anyone but you. I know I am guilty, and I confess to my crime. Because what I do to him is a crime and I have no alibi. Being with him while wanting you is a crime. The crime that I’m certain, though I know he’s fallen in love with, despite being near to emotionless with him, I’d leave him in a heartbeat just for the promised potential of being at your side.

If it’s a crime to still want you then I’ll spend my life in chains.

Because tonight, I’ve missed you so much, I’ve committed nine crimes.

Just for you.