Chronicles of a Player

Written by Tom Leone.

I’m an asshole. I know. And by the time you’re done reading this you’ll know it, too. I want to state it myself, loudly and with conviction, because you’ll most likely come to the same conclusion yourself.

The fact of the matter is that I don’t hate myself. I don’t have much space for self-loathing; it’s useless. In fact, I don’t actually believe that my actions were, and are, a mistake. Only in moments of deep self-reflection do I see the flaws in them. And even that feeling is momentary and fleeting.

Also, to set another thing straight before I begin, I have no underlying psychological issues and I don’t need therapy. Yes, I am a compulsive person, and a bit of an arrogant narcissist, but it has more to do with me enjoying things rather than the needing to do them. My parents are happily married, my mother loved me just enough, meaning there is no Oedipal Complex buried deep inside my psyche, and I have been hurt just the right amount in past relationships. Don’t try to justify my actions with anything but the facts.

I do what I do because I love it.

My favorite thing in the world is the thrill of the hunt and the satisfaction of the conquest. The feeling of being wanted, of being pampered and worshiped, is divine.

I don’t know a man who doesn’t have a certain ‘list’ of attributes he wants in the woman he is with, or at least, the woman he would give up everything for. A few of those would be for her to be beautiful, intelligent, creative, self-reliant, independent, a great cook, good with kids, lively in bed (and preferably with an imagination and little boundaries), clean, caring, sweet, sensitive and attentive. Those are just a few, off the top of my head. And I’m sure the order of them is different for each and every one of us.

If you were to find one woman, with all these qualities, you would drop everything else and fall to your knees begging her to marry you, wouldn’t you?

It’s a pipe dream though, and if you’re waiting for this majestic creature to come along… she’ll probably show up at your door on the back of a unicorn. Having crossed into this world over a rainbow from Oz or Never-Never Land. Give me a call when she does. I’d love to know what kind of prescription cocktail they gave you. I just might want to add Tinker Bell to my collection.

And speaking of my collection…

I won’t get into the number of women that have enjoyed the pleasure of my company for longer, or shorter, periods of time. I can’t be precise because it would be hell for me to count them all, and I’m a stickler for accuracy.

Currently, I’m enjoying the company of six. Yes, you read right. Six women. And when I say that I’m enjoying their company, I mean that I’m screwing their brains out among other common pastimes we might have between us.

They’re all so different and the things they give me in each of our ‘relationships’ varies to the point that I find it difficult to let any of them go. Different backgrounds, characters, bodies and lifestyles. They only have one thing in common; me. A few are completely replaceable- oh, and there are so many more to replace them with; I’m solely with them for the thrill of something new and unknown. Soon they’ll want more and I’ll have to send them on their way. Or maybe, new just won’t be new anymore and it will lose the appeal.

I have feelings for all of them, different kinds and of different intensity. Love… well, love is a difficult word. It’s too complex for my tastes and I don’t know if it would be correct, and accurate, to say that I love any of them. Maybe there is one that I do love. But that’s not something I would like to share with her because I haven’t had my fill yet. I’m not ready to be tied down to one woman, to a home and to children just yet. I want it all, and I do want that too, just not quite yet.

Is it right? Objectively, no. Then again, I’m not lying to any of them. And I’m not in a steady relationship with any of them either, so that it could be called cheating. I have a deep respect for serious relationships, and consequently marriage, so I have no plans on entering either if I’m not going to be true.

But here’s the thing: I love my life. And given the chance to do it all again, given a clean slate, I would still do everything just exactly the same.

YOLO is huge nowadays. People say it all the time; it’s used everywhere. You only live once. We all only live once. And no one can blame me for living my life to its fullest. I plan to get all I can by the time I can no longer live this life.

Sometimes I think that I’ve had enough of it all. Sometimes I consider making a clean break and a fresh start. I have even tried to do just that once or twice. But, when I think about who I would like to do that with, I get sucked right back into the vortex.

Will any of them withstand and end up being the one I settle down with? I don’t know. I do hope that karma doesn’t hold it against me. Love is a game, right? And the winner takes it all, don’t they? Well, I’m one hell of a player, so I guess that it all boils down to this: Which one of them will be the last woman standing?

So go ahead, call me an asshole now.

I deserve it.

But even assholes have feelings.