ys24072020

Written By Thanos Koulouvakis @pillowfights.gr

If there is one thing that is certain in life, it’s this; there has always been and there will always be a special someone that dwells in your mind – someone hiding in such depths of your subconscious, that you’re only reminded of their existence when you visit the dream world. It doesn’t matter how hard you may try to push back their memory. At any given time they can come back and haunt you.

And it’s usually your friends you rely on to clean your mess when this time comes. You struggle to explain to them the burdain you carry – even though, deep inside, you’re very much aware that, during this phase, you hit new levels of rock bottom and every word coming out of your mouth is simply mumbo jumbo crap, inspired by a bottle of vodka that has suddenly become your trusty companion through this journey.

Inside your head, however, everything is perfectly clear. No one else seems to comprehend it but, for you, it all makes absolute sense. You know what you want, you’ve always known what you wanted – besides, there’s no room left in your head for doubt, as it is filled with a single thought.

You probably understand that your endeavor is hopeless, but that doesn’t intimidate or discourage you. On the contrary, this hopelessness – or, at least, that’s how you see it – makes you strive even more.

And the funny thing is, if you happen to meet this person (thank the gods of fate for that, for you wouldn’t dare to make this leap on our own) and talk to them, you’re at a loss for words and all you can utter is a couple of simple, generic lines you wouldn’t even fathom saying under any other circumstances.

You just sit there and stare as this person speaks, you let your admiration overflow your veins, because the words coming out of their mouth is music to your ears. And it’s this moment, when you hear their voice, that makes you feel incapable of imagining your life without them – the thought of losing them seems unbearable.

No matter what you see, no matter what you do, their face keeps coming back in your memory. It’s as if it is supposed to be there, it has to be there, like it has always been. Time passes and you get on with your life pretending everything’s fine, no big deal, all’s good; but the truth is that your mind is still a captive. And you don’t even express how you feel, not ever, because, after all, who are you to be worthy of them?

Months and years may pass you by, but their notion remains intact inside your mind. Everyone advises you to forget, they tell you that you should, and you can, move on. But even if you do, even if you try new things and acquire new experiences, you always fail to fill the immense void inside you.

In the end, you just admit it. And the moment you think that everything’s fine, something comes along and fucks you up – for your mind never actually moved on. And the worst thing is that it’s all inside your head. It’s just your mind playing tricks on you – tricks that you’re incapable of explaining to other people who seem reluctant to comprehend. After all, for them, all is good and there’s absolutely no reason for you not to be happy as a clam.

Hence, you end up embracing your old friend, alcohol. Sipping vodka like it’s H2O, going out every night hoping you’ll forget (who are you kidding? everything you can do sucks anyway) and crying like a baby when you listen to weepy Adele ballads ’cause you feel all of them were written especially for you. You do these things hoping that it will help you fill the goddamn void – alas, it’s all in vain, that fucking thing cannot be filled.

You know you’re self-destructive. But it doesn’t seem like you have a choice. And it is perfectly ironic that, in most cases, the person that has captivated your soul and mind doesn’t have the slightest idea of what’s going on – and, as long as it’s in your hands, things will remain that way.

In the end, everyone will insist on telling you that nothing is worth losing yourself for. What they don’t understand is that, for you, that person is far from “nothing” – in fact, they’re your “everything”.

Translated from original article By: Lydia Poni.

Edited By: Nikoletta Vasilopoulou, Editor-in-Chief @pillowfights.co.uk 

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