klagen

Written By Cookie.

 

It was a day like any other. I couldn’t tell you what day of the week it was or what time it was exactly the first time I saw you. I guess that it happened to me, just like it has happened to so many before me and how it will surely happen to so many in the future.

I stepped out of the piercing parlor, my best friend, your sister, hopping and skipping in front of me after just getting her 10th piercing. She had spent the whole morning going on and on about her amazing brother who had come home to visit for the holidays; as had I. When she told me you’d be coming to pick us up I didn’t think much of it.

The first thing I noticed, were those baby blues. Eyes like pools of crystal clear water, so light they were almost white. Lethal in combination with your smile. I was automatically under your spell, just like all the other girls you had ever met. There was a connection there, right away; I could feel it deep down in my bones. And it was mutual, to a fashion.

It only took us hours to become best friends. You hear people complain about being friend-zoned, about how miserable it is to have feelings for someone and for them not to see you in the same way. I will not complain; I loved hearing from you, talking to you, being around you so much that I wouldn’t have traded it.

Time passed and I would look forward to coming back home to see you. I longed for the endless conversations we had, locked up in our own little bubble, surrounded by people, yet completely alone. Damned if I gave a shit about anything else being said if you were anywhere near.

It took me years to realize, and to accept, the fact I was in love with you. It wasn’t your eyes or your smile, it wasn’t your great looks or even your charm. It was you; the whole package. I fell in love with the real you; the one only I knew. The struggles that you had endured all your life, yet despite them, came out fine. And that was our common point; neither of us had had it easy and you were the only one I could be open to about my problems. Because you knew me as well; forwards, backwards, inside and out.

And even though everyone tried to discourage me, telling me that I had to change, to become someone different because I was not your type and that you and I would never be together, I still held tight to my feelings, my hope and you.

It was at my sister’s wedding (and knowing that you had enough alcohol in your system) that I finally mustered up the courage to tell you how I really felt about you. I confessed everything, asking for a chance to live all the things I knew we could be, with you. And that was the night you kissed me for the first time. After 8 years.

I knew in that moment that I was right; that it was right, that we were meant to be together. I know you felt it too, even before you said it.

Every sappy romantic comedy we ever watched together ended at that fairy tale kiss; the one that happens after years of waiting and, as if struck by some sudden revelation, the oblivious one of the two steps into the light and realizes that they too had been in love with the other all along. They laugh, credits role; the end.

Instead of a Hollywood ending though, you did everything in your power to push me away after that. As if, when the influence of cheap wine wore off, so did that sudden light. You became cold and distant; mean even. And it hurt so much, it became so unbearable and confusing, so I decided to take a little trip. Two months, on the other side of the globe, so far that I could try to take a few breaths without you and clear my mind.

I knew then, during my time away, or rather coming back, how much it really was that I loved you. Because neither distance nor time erased or even dimmed my love for you. And so, I decided to give you and ultimatum upon my return.

I was in for a surprise, though; one that I could not have imagined even in my wildest dreams. I don’ know if it was because you missed me or if it was because you had finally decided to give us a chance, but you made your move.

You made love to me that night, practically under the stars and it was amazing; life changing and earth shattering.

You made no promises and I could see through all your bullshit and excuses, but I didn’t care. I had been waiting for all of it so long that anything you said was meaningless and inconsequential. Deep down I believed you felt things and that you were finally willing to give us a shot.

I was either that naïve or that in love with you. Take your pick.

My biggest mistake, though, was falling in love with the man you could be. I dreamt of the potential I knew you had; of the potential the two of us had together, as one.

The thing that drove a knife right through my heart, the golden seal that killed any and all hope, of us being together was when I found out that you were with someone else. You had decided. Not to be with me, but with another woman.

I think, in a way, I expected it. You always seemed to run, from me, from the world, and yet with me you would have been truly free. I never wanted a caged animal; I wanted a partner.

Survival instincts kicked in then and I cut you out of my life completely. I could not see you with another woman; I could not hear stories of your happiness. Each image my mind conjured up, each word cut me to the bone. And I’ve had enough trauma and pain in my life; I didn’t need to endure any more. Especially if it came from you.

You simply let me go. So, obviously our, so unique and codependent, friendship also meant nothing to you. I’ll give you this: I did miss my friend; I still do from time to time. But, for once, I put myself above all else.

Now that the wounds have healed and I can finally hear about you without crumbling, I have realized a few things. For one, you’re a coward; a complete pussy for not giving yourself the chance to be happy- with me. You have lost yourself in this relationship; I don’t know this person they tell me about. He’s not even a shadow the man knew, remember, and once loved more than anything else. Shame…

I stand here staring at the wedding invitation in my hands, not thinking about whom you have become or what happened between us in the past. All I can wonder any more is what the hell you’re doing.

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