I’m not sure about a lot of things, but one thing I do know is that apologies suck. No one likes to be in the wrong — or straight up wrong. It can be a major hit to your pride to admit you fucked up, and I think we’re all in agreement that saying you’re sorry is far from fun. That said, it’s way better to suck it up and apologize than to just ignore what you did, or even worse, to double down on your shittiness.
No matter how much we like being right, at some point or another, we won’t be. Maybe you said something you instantly regretted. Maybe you didn’t realize you needed to apologize until you discovered someone took your comment in a way you didn’t intend. Maybe it’s been a few years, you’ve changed and now know you said or did something you shouldn’t have. You know what time it is. It’s apology time.
You said it and you immediately regretted it. Okay, not immediately. If we’re being honest, it was an offhand comment you put no thought into. You’ve recognized in the past you maybe shouldn’t make jokes about it – you know it could hit close to home for some people. You’ve maybe even personally dealt with it in the past. It was just an offhand comment. You didn’t mean it to offend.
But you said it, you got called on it, and now you know you fucked up. You quickly apologized for it in the moment, but let’s be honest, that doesn’t count. It’s good you didn’t double-down because that’s the first sign you might be a shitty person who values yourself more than other people’s feeling, but you’re not in the clear.
So, that’s step one in apologizing. If someone calls you on saying something offensive – say you’re sorry. Regardless of your intention, you fucked up. Own it. Just because you didn’t mean it to be insensitive doesn’t mean you’re automatically forgiven. Acknowledge you are indeed in the wrong. Don’t try to blame the other person for being too sensitive and easily offended. Don’t make a big spectacle, either. Take responsibility and then move on.
But don’t move on completely. Your apology isn’t over. There’s still step two. If you’re a kind human being, you’ll be at home that night worrying about it. You realize you fucked up, and you feel badly about it. Wait until the next morning. You’ll be sober and the other person will know you actually mean what you’re saying. Give your response some thought. Don’t just send a general “Hey, I’m sorry about what I said” text.
It’s okay to explain why you’re wrong, but just be sure you don’t venture into excuse zone. That feeling eating you up is knowing that you did something wrong. Again, this isn’t the time to shift blame or blabber through the apology without actually saying sorry. You’re not doing this to make yourself feel better, you’re doing it because you messed up. You know it. You want the other person to know you heard them, you understand them, and that you learned your lesson.
That’s the purpose of a true apology. Not to absolve yourself of wrongdoing. You fucked up either way. Your words won’t change that.
“Hey, about that comment I made the other night. I wasn’t thinking. I know that’s a serious issue, and I shouldn’t make jokes. I’m familiar with how sensitive that topic is and should be. That was my bad. I wasn’t thinking. I already knew better, but it won’t happen again. I definitely fucked up good.”
Take claim of what you did. Don’t use rhetorical tactics to evade ownership and apologies. Be straight up. Make a plan to convey how sorry you are and follow through.
But as a heads up, just because you apologize doesn’t mean the person is at all required to forgive you. Remember when I said that you aren’t doing this to be absolved of your crime. You’re doing it because you should. Don’t be upset with them for not being ready to move on. You’re the one who fucked up, not them. It’s your weight to carry, not theirs. They’re not being too sensitive, don’t turn it around.
Apologize. Do what you can. And show that you learned. Don’t just say you won’t repeat that fuck up. Make sure you actually don’t repeat it.
Author: Dani Howell
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