I was watching this youtube video yesterday, and the women on it were talking about if opposites attract. Their conclusion wasn’t very definitive because different people are attracted to different qualities and behaviors.
But toward the end of the short video, my mind started wandering—as it often does. I kept going back to what I consider a way more interesting question: Is it possible to make a relationship work with a person who has views that are the opposite of your own? I’m not talking about you being super organized and neat when your partner is spontaneous and a bit messy. I mean like starkly different values. Core beliefs.
I think, fairly safely, we can divide relationships into two types here. Casual relationships and close ones.
I don’t really see issues regarding casual relationships with people who have starkly different views. The people you only talk to at school, parties, work. You share surface commonalities. Maybe you watch the same TV shows, enjoy the same food, listen to the same podcasts, or love the same games. You enjoy seeing these people and have something to talk about, but that conversation rarely goes beyond deep. You may have an occasional debate on some hot-button topic, but usually only one of you actually enjoys the debate. One leaves feeling like they schooled the other; that other person, however, leaves feeling like the first is an asshole. You stick to the surface conversations for the next few months.
I don’t believe the same is true for close relationships—whether they’re romantic ones or friendships, so I’m not drawing a distinction here.
For these relationships, core values need to align for them to be healthy and effective. I’m thinking about social, political, personal issues and beliefs. You know, those fundamental ones that shape how we view the world.
How do you feel about police brutality, women’s rights, LGBTQ+ issues, guns, racial and/or income inequality? Are you happy where you are in life, or do you want to push yourself to be and do better? Do you want to help other people or only yourself?
It might be rude, but your answers to these questions will definitely help me decide if I want to be your good friend.
Assuming your beliefs aren’t too egregious, I’ll still be your casual friend either way. But while I’m willing to take a more nuanced view on most of topics (and would therefore love to talk with you about them), if we have starkly different views here, I’m not going to align to yours. I’d love to help you understand where I’m coming from, but if you’re just as set in your opinions, we’re going to come to an impasse quickly.
I think a lot of it comes down to whether your main beliefs in life are focused on the individual or if you’re community orientated. That’s far too long of an argument to get into here, though.
I thought politics gave a nice shorthand to figure out if we have similar beliefs, but I’m quickly learning that’s not true. We can’t locate a clear line of belief in politics.
I know many people who supported the same political candidate that I did, but it quickly became apparent it was for very different reasons. Like to the point that I wouldn’t want to hang out with them because, as far as I’m concerned, they’re sexist assholes. That being said, there are some politicians when as soon as I learn you support them, I’ll know our opinions are so starkly different that I have no need to befriend you. I’m sorry if saying that makes me an ass, but some beliefs automatically make you a bigger one.
We have to draw a line for our relationships somewhere, don’t we?
At the same time, though, I hate to write anyone off. Maybe if you and I become friends, I can help you understand where I’m coming from. But then I go back to the fact that you’re probably thinking the same thing, and as I said, at 26 I’m happily set in a lot of my core beliefs.
So maybe you can make these relationships work, but, honestly, I’m not sure it’s worth it. Don’t get me wrong, you don’t want to only surround yourself with people who think exactly as you do. Not only would that be unbelievably boring, but then you’re not challenged. I want to have conversations that cause me to question what I think. Then I can figure out why I think what I do and how to express it to others. But if our disagreements fall along lines that I don’t need to challenge—say if your racist, sexist, or homophobic (read: an asshole)—then I don’t need you as a close relationship, romantic or friendship. I’m happy to talk about differences with you, but I’m probably not going to want to form a close relationship with you. Not worth the effort to make it work.
But, hey, if you can happily put up with someone who you’re always disagreeing with, then more power to you! You’re a better person than I am.
Author: Dani Howell
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