Go if you have to

So you’re leaving. Well, that’s what you just told me at least. I knew you were applying to schools, so I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve known for almost a year. You warned me. I helped you get everything ready for your applications. I was there when you cried over the stress of trying to ace the GRE and making sure everything was error free – we both know perfectionism can be a bitch. Then we had months wondering if you’d get in, but eventually, come early march, everything seemed back to normal. We forgot, or at least I did, we were waiting on anything.

Then the acceptance came. I know I kept saying I was sure you’d get in, and I’m delighted you did. I really am! But there’s still some small part of me that was hoping, maybe, you wouldn’t. That’s horrible, I know. I feel shitty for even thinking it. But that would, in some way, make this easier.

Please don’t take this as me not wanting you to be happy. I swear that’s what I want most of all, but now I’m in a bit of a conundrum.

Yes, you invited me with you, but I can’t go. I have a great job. I need to pay off student loans. It took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to get to where I am, and I can’t start over. I don’t know what to do. I know what I should do, but what if I’m not that strong?

I should encourage you to go. This has been your dream for as long as I’ve known you. You’ve been talking about this; you say it’s what you love and what you’re meant to do, and I want you to be happy. I know I should tell you that we can make it work. We can Skype, text, and talk on the phone. We can fly out to see each. You’ll be off for the holidays and summers, so really it won’t be that much time apart. We can make it work.

But, let’s be real for a second. Neither of us is wealthy, so, realistically, we can’t buy that many plane tickets. We’d go from August to December and January to May apart. Four months may not seem like a lot, but years of doing that will add up. You’ll be busy and won’t have that much time to talk in between.

That’s why I want to ask you to stay. I know I shouldn’t, but I don’t know what else to do. We have something really great. It’s not something we can be sure we’ll find again, and the distance might ruin it. Maybe you can find another opportunity next year that’s closer. There are schools here. Maybe one of those will work? I’m in this for the long haul and you are, too. Let’s try to make this work, here.

But what if I ask and you stay? Could I live with that? Next August when you should be moving and starting, I’ll know you’ll be wishing you were there. How could you not? You spent months, even years, preparing for this moment. You spent hundreds of dollars on graduate exams. You spent even more on your applications. It’s not fair for me to ask you to give that up.

That’s why I want to ask you to stay, but I can’t. I don’t want you to give up on your dream while I’m living out mine. We’ll make it work or we won’t. Hopefully we will, but the one thing I know is that you need to follow your passion. If I won’t move with you, then I can’t ask you to stay.

Let’s both do what we need to and we’ll let the future play our and see what happens. What else can we do?