Getting over what never was

From the moment I met you, I knew I was in trouble.

Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. It wasn’t right away, but it didn’t take too long. And that’s honestly part of the problem. If I’d realized it right away, then it may not have been too late. I may have been able to avoid feeling anything more for you. But, unfortunately, there was a brief period of time where I thought maybe something could happen. And it’s because of those thoughts and daydreams that everything came crashing down.

If you know someone is off limits right away, then it’s easier to prepare yourself. The problem comes when you think, even if only briefly, that there’s something there. In those hopes, there lies an infinite amount of room for total disappointment.

And that was my problem.

I fell for you first. Only after that happened did I realize nothing could happen. That’s what really sucked, I think. I wasn’t able to brace myself for the maelstrom that would follow. If you’ve read any type of psychology, you know repression is quite a bitch, and I’m going to tell you from experience, that’s totally right.

The week or two of blissful ignorance were nice, but then reality hit pretty fucking hard. My stomach dropped. I went through some brief denial that I’m not proud of, and then, I got to where (I guess) I need to be which is the disappointing realization that nothing between us will happen and, as the good person I like to believe I am, I need to accept that.

It turns out it’s pretty dang hard to stick to your morals when everything else in you is telling you to do the opposite. So what’s a hapless person to do?

I guess it comes down to measuring what’s important to you and what you want to happen because often times those don’t add up. And that’s what I’m now figuring out. I’m not one who’s much of the idea of “suck it up,” but in the case of you, I think that’s all I can really do. I need to suck it up and let things be as they are. It sucks, but at least I can sleep at night without feeling like a total shit.

I wish I could say I got to this point right away, but there was a nice variation of emotions and reactions on the way there. I also wish I could say now that I’m resigned to this spot that it’ll be easy, but I know that’s total shit. I’m over it right now, but you’ll smile, say something funny, or be your generally genuinely cool self, and I’ll think for a second (a very brief one), that my resolution and resolve isn’t needed, maybe something …

But that’s where I’ll have to stop it. There is no maybe some day or maybe something. This is one of those instances where there will just be nothing there, and I have to be okay with that. Whatever we are, it won’t be that, and being an adult is just accepting that fact and moving on with life.

Okay, if I’m being completely honest, it’s only easy for me to say this because you’re not the only one on my mind anymore anyway, so I guess instead of suppressing my feelings for you, I just needed to have them for someone new.