Do you really need space?

“I just need some space.”

Five dreaded words.

If I’m being totally honest, I thought I’d have been the one to say them. I’m usually a pretty big fan of space. I don’t like to feel suffocated or confined – by people or life’s situations. So what caught me off guard is that you were the on who said those words.

What shocked me even more is that I didn’t want space this time. I don’t want space.

I’m not really sure how this role reversal happened. I’m the one who should want space — that’s who I am. I keep telling myself that in hopes that everything will start making sense.

What is this space you need? It’s not like we’ve been together for years. I don’t mean to be crass, but it’s not like you’ve grown much as a person. I don’t mean that to be mean, I just mean that a person can’t change that much in a few months. So it seems like this “space” you want is really just code for something.

That’s cool if it is. Well, honestly, I mean, it sucks a fuck ton if it’s code for let’s break up, but I’ll get over it. As I said, it hasn’t been that long. But have some courage and say that. We’re not in college. It’s not that I want to settle down – we both know that’s not the case, but I don’t have time for mind games. I have a lot to do and not that much free time, so I don’t want to waste the little I do have on a dead-end relationship.

And just be clear so I can start planning.

If you like someone, you want to spend time with them. So you can see where my confusion is coming from. I know I’m not always clear about my feelings, and communication in that area can be a struggle, but if that’s why you need space, just say so. I’m trying, but I can always try harder. There’s always room to work on things and improve (my personal philosophy in work, school, life, relationships, pretty much everything). Just give me the chance.

Or don’t. I don’t want to invalidate your feelings. If you think this is headed nowhere, I’ll get over it eventually. I always do. But leading me on isn’t really that nice. I’m sure that’s not what you’re trying to do, but that’s kind of what it feels like is happening on my end.

Is this just a normal relationship hurdle I’m unfamiliar with? I’ve needed space before, but again, space was never space. Space was “let’s get some distance so I don’t feel as bad when we break up.” So if that’s where this is headed, well, just -as they say- rip the Band-Aid off.

This hot and cold shit is fucking with my head. It makes it harder to concentrate at work. I have to put my headphones in to drown out the sounds of my own thoughts. It’s making my insomnia worse. Normally I find mundane things to worry about when I’m laying in bed, but this is a whole nother level of tossing and turning.

Those five words suck. Breaking up sucks. But the worst part of it all is not knowing how you feel about me.

So just let me know.