“Okay. Stay calm. Don’t lose control. You can do this. “
I keep repeating it to myself like a mantra. My heart is beating so fast, like a zillion times in a minute. My stomach is churning, my palms are sweating, my knees are getting weaker and my mouth feels so dry. In addition to it all, I feel nauseous. All those symptoms may not be visible to the naked eye -to your eye- but you definitely see my burning, like fire, cheeks and my goofy smile. It’s like I’m paralyzed and I can’t hear the noise or see the people around me. All of a sudden a million things crawled into my mind. But I’m at a loss for words.
And all of it just because I bumped into you. Again. And that’s what happens every single time.
No, we aren’t together anymore. I know that. No, we aren’t getting back together. I get that too. You’ve moved on with your life and so have I. Since the day we parted ways I didn’t see you for a very long time. We cut off all communication and that helped me with the healing process. Honestly, I could say that I tried, and succeeded, to minimize any accidental run-ins by not going to places that I knew I’d meet you. Then the daily routine took me over, I kind of forgot everything about you. You just ceased to exist.
Throughout all this time, I often visualized us having courteous conversations, or just saying a simple hi.
Well, you can call it fate, coincidence or pure luck, but it finally happened for real. And it was so unpredictable and overwhelming.
Am I still in love with you? Is that the reason I’m so eager to see you again? Or is the nostalgia that feels a lot like love? And the memories that are coming back like waves when I look at you? What are those?
I stare at your lips saying a simple hello and I remember your kiss. To my surprise you are still wearing the same cologne that I once bought you; and you smell so nice. Your lingering touches –hopefully not by accident– give me goose bumps. And your arms remind me of your hug. Your voice, calling my name and asking how I am, sounds like music to my ears. That same voice you used to tell me “I love you”.
I try to decipher what’s on your mind but it’s not possible. You’re simply someone that I used to know. As you walk away, you are becoming another familiar face in the crowd. And every time I’m secretly hoping that you’ll turn around to give me one last look.
I can’t help it but I have the urge to see you. What are the chances of running into you again?
I’m already fantasizing about our next encounter. Even though I don’t know when it’s going to happen, it’s something I look forward to, something that keeps me alert.
Should I have a more relaxed attitude next time? Should I say hello first? Or wait for you to make the first move? Should I hug you? No, no; you’ll misunderstand it. And how do you feel about all this? Are you nervous too? Do you still think about me? Will you tell me how great I look and that you regret our breakup? Or would it be better to avoid you and free myself from all the drama?
Some of the questions that pop into my head.
But I don’t star in a romantic Hollywood movie and that’s just my imagination running wild.
Deep inside my heart, I know I still have feelings for you. It may be stressful that we run into each other but it’s also very comforting at the same time.
I’ve had my closure. Some things are better left unsaid. I want the world for you, but I also enjoy those brief and unexpected moments that put a smile on my face and butterflies in my stomach.